Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Diabetesaliciousness Performance Rider...It's An Industry Standard

So, Last month I got an email from Gary Scheiner of Integrated Diabetes, asking me to perform at his Pumpers Banquet, which celebrates the 50th meeting of Insulin Pump Club of Greater Philadelphia. Which by the way, is tonight at 7p.m.

I of course was completely flattered & excited, and of course said "Yes."

As long as Gary was willing to meet my "Diabetesaliciousness Performance Rider/list of demands." All serious entertainers such as myself have these Riders which is both a common practice and an industry standard.

I sent him my list and he was more than willing.


Here’s a copy of said Rider, do you think I went to far, or not far enough? IS there anything else I should demand in future Riders? Diabetesaliciousness minds want to know.....

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In order to perform at The 5oth Meeting of the Insulin Pump Club of Greater Philadelphia, the following list of demands stated in my Performance Contract/Rider must be met:


1. A crystal bowl of green m & m's must be available to me back stage - Only Green m & m's as they are not only a tasty treat that keeps my blood sugar from dropping, but just as important, they bring out the color of my eyes.

2. Speaking of Green - No "dietetic” or “diabetic friendly” foods in the Green Room (Performers area off stage) of any kind."

3 The Help must refer to me as "Goddess," and are not allowed to look me directly in the eye at anytime. Such insubordinate behavior to what I like to refer to as my “Goddess Clause”, and any other infraction of my Rider is punishable by methods involving infusions sets and doorknobs!

4. Please note that If anyone asks or paraphrases the following questions to me at anytime:

" Are you allowed to eat that?"

"Are you sure your allowed to eat that?"


"You must have the beets real bad to be on an insulin pump."

I have the right to not only quadruple my performance fee, BUT also throw a severe temper tantrum, the likes of which will both shake your foundation to its very core AND make Naomi Campbell, Courtney Love, & Danny Bonnaducci outbreaks resemble” little girls, crying for their mamas."

5. Speaking of fees, mine is as always, negotiable.

6a. OF course, Gourmet food MUST BE PROVIDED to me and must be to my liking.
I also require copious & never ending amounts of Crys-tal Champagne & Cosmo martinis made with Chilled Kettle 1 Vodka, and served in chilled 10 ounce crystal glasses.

6b. These drinks should be "made to order" and available to me at all times, including but not limited to; before, during, and after said performance.

6c. 10 cases of Fuji Water (32 oz bottles) & one box of 100 count BENDY STRAWS must be provided as well.

6d. Transportation and lodging must be provided for me to and from the venue, and preferably in a stretch Hummer. All fees associated with travel must me covered!
**Please note that my Entourage requires all that is listed is rider point 6a,6b,6c, and 6d.

7. You must pay any and all fees associated with my Entourage, which includes my Hairdresser; Make-up Artist, Stylist, Acupuncturist, Fung Shui Practitioner, Yogi Guru, Astrologist, & Masseuse as they accompany me to all public and charity based events and are an essential part of my pre performance peace of mind & well being.

8. I Kelly Kunik, Super Diabetesaliciousness Genius and Diabetic Life Style Maven have the right to add to this Performance Rider whenever I see the need.

8 comments:

Karen said...

LOL!!! You need something that FORBIDS any on-lookers from asking "What's it say" (followed by "Oh, is that good?") or trying to peek it your meter when doing a blood sugar check. ;)

CALpumper said...

LOL, I agree with Karen!

Otherwise it's a darn good list! ;-)
Best of luck tonight, have fun and make 'em laugh.

Cara said...

Perfect.

k2 said...

Karen -
Glad I made u LOL! I will add the clause about blood sugar privacy!
Thant's great, THANKS!

Calpumper -
Glad u approve. I hope to have fun and "break a leg" tonight!

Cara -
THANK-YOU! I'm far from perfect, but SO glad that I make u laugh!
k2

Naomi said...

I would demand a bowl of blue m&ms by the cosmo bar, but that's only because blue m&ms were not available when I was a kid and blue is my favorite color and I just can't get enough of them now.

Well, you know what they say. If you don't ask for what you want, then you won't get it!

You're a hoot, woman!

k2 said...

Naomi -
YOU GO GIRL!!! I say, while your at it Demand blue cosmos as well as blue M & M's !

Glad you thought it was funny;)
I actually really needed to hear that tonight.
THANKS
k2

Donna said...

The questions in #4 are excellent! I would make sure those were in BOLD or ALL CAPS just to be on the safe side.

k2 said...

Donna -
Will Do! BOLD LETTERS AND SCREAMING CAPS ALL THE WAY
k2