#TBT #dblogweek Day 4: The Diabetes Stuff That Brings Me Down

It's day four of Diabetes blog week.

Today's topic is a #TBT from the 2014 Diabetes Blog Week. It's all about emotions and diabetes - the diabetes stuff that brings us down - and what brings us back up.  

May is Mental Health Month - diabetes impacts our physical and mental well being. Depression and diabetes go hand in hand - talking about it is key -as is know that we aren't the only ones who struggle. 

Seeking help and support from friends and professionals can only help. 

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There's so much about diabetes that brings me down.

The fact that diabetes is 24 X&, 365 days a year with no time off for vacations or good behavior and causes me to experience diabetes burnout more often than I’d liked

The stress that diabetes puts on me (both physically and mentally,) has the ability to make me feel like Atlas - and sometimes I fear that the weight will cause me to topple. 

Add the stress that diabetes has put on my family, and my friends with and without diabetes, and it is easy to become the girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders

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The fact that the public, for the most part - never gets diabetes right, and the same can be said for diabetes and the media. 

Diabetes Media Muck-ups put all of us on the defense and has us perpetually correcting the population. 

Don't even get me started on blood sugar craziness!

Then, there’s the people I’ve loved and lost to diabetes - I miss them them terribly and when I think about diabetes cutting their lives short it makes cry and makes me relive the grief of losing them.

Losing friends to diabetes is fucking hard.

Losing my sister Debbie to diabetes was fucking excruciating. 

Seeing my parents hearts break because they lost their child to diabetes was devastating. 

It changed our lives and our family dynamic forever - and to this day, we are are still dealing with the ramifications of Debbie's death.  

Personally, there are moments when I wonder the type of person I would have been and the life I would have led had diabetes not taken Debbie from us. 

And on those days, when diabetes brings me down into the darkness - light peaks through the darkest of clouds, and I am reminded of the gifts that diabetes has brought me.  

Those gifts are you. 

Our community, the Diabetes Online Community, has given me so much support, friendship and love. 

My diabetes friendships that span the globe, enrich my world, and have given me a strong sense of self and determination. 

Diabetes has given me a voice and requires me to speak up for myself and for the people I love. 

Diabetes (and my mom,) taught me to pull myself up by bootstraps and pull myself out of the muck. 

Sometimes on my own, other times I can’t do it alone. 

And in those times when I am struggling to stand up in, and get of the muck the most,  the Diabetes Online Community lifts me up, dusts me off, and acts as my compass and travel companions on the road to better. 

And I am grateful for the gifts. 

****FTR, I know I missed day 3 of Diabetes Blog Week. 

I will make it up and post, but I didn't want to get behind on day 4, too! 

It's My Diaversary: Today Marks 39 Years of Living With T1 Diabetes

39 years 

39 years with t1 diabetes - I can’t believe it because it doesn’t seem real - or that long ago - but it was a life time ago. 

39 years  - I was so little - diabetes was so big, we became partners not by choice, but by pancreatic and autoimmune circumstances, and together we forged ahead and continue to tackle the world the best we can.

Growing up with diabetes DID NOT ruin my childhood. 

There were challenging and tough times - but diabetes didn’t ruin my childhood - so don't you dare for a second think it did. 

Growing up with diabetes was.... different. 

There were good times and hard times. There were times I struggled with diabetes and times I thrived.

I grew up (at least in some ways,) and isn’t that the goal of parents - to see their children grow up? 

Speaking of growing up, I wish my mom was here today - because this day is about her too - and my dad, but I know exactly what she’d say. 

I would remind her that today was my Diaversary and she’d say something like: I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it’s been 39 years. 

And then my mom would tell me I was handling it well and that she was proud of me.  

And she’d get this look in her eye that always made me sad - and she’d say that my sister Debbie had such a rough time handling her diabetes - and that’s what did her in.

And how she was so glad that I learned to "handle things." 

And I would say “thanks ma,” and hug her tight. 

And I’d silently think to myself all the times I didn’t/don’t handle my diabetes well - I would think back to the times when my sister was so sick and I was so angry at the world ... and diabetes... and Debbie. 

But I would remind myself that like the lotus, I made it through the diabetes mud and muck, to grow and into someone who is still becoming. 

And then I’d think of my Diabetes Online Community family and all that we’ve been through together. 

And today - even though I’m feeling a bit melancholy, which is really effing weird for me, because usually I’m all about the diaversary celebration, I will find the joy in everything that life brings me - because I am indeed the girl who lived. 

***Speaking of the girl who lived and the woman who continues to become, next year I will celebrate 40 YEARS of living with diabetes - and I want to CELEBRATE  like a rockstar.

I want to do something BIG. 

Like really BIG. Like BIG TOP, BIG - and any and all suggestions from my tribe would be greatly appreciated. 

Lastly, every year I make a list of positives to mark this day and this year is no different. So here it is - 39 positives for 39 years of living with diabetes and in no particular order.

1. Indian Summer Days
2. Jeans that make my ass look magnificent
3. DOC Meet-ups in real life
4. A glass of red wine with pretty much any food group
5. pickles as free food
6. Warm ocean temps and awesome waves
7. the smell of garlic sautéing in olive oil
8. Good friends 
9. reading a great book
10. Concerts 
11. Funny Farm Animal Rescue 
12. The word “coconut,” because I love how the word rolls of my tongue. It's a happy sounding word and also, I love how coconuts taste. YAY COCONUTS 
13. Warm sheets in the winter
14. Cool sheets in the summer 
15. Nailing carb counts
16. Black leather boots, preferably italian black leather boots
17. Watching/listening to my nieces and nephews perform - Also, hanging with my niece and nephews - I LOVE THEM ALL
18. Running into your very first friend with with diabetes 30 some years after the fact and picking up right where you left off - all because of the Children With Diabetes, Friends For Life
19. CWD, aka - Children With Diabetes, Friends For Life
20. Friends children who ask you if you’re “little” or “big,” because they can't tell - and my friends children who have become my friends
21. DOGS - because dogs are AWESOME
22. The feeling of accomplishment when the DOC makes changes in the way others view people with diabetes 
23. City lights
24. Salt air
25. The color Green
26. The color blue
27. The color Red
28. The colors purple, yellow, orange and black
29. Vanilla baked goods
30.  All baked goods
31. Ice cream
32. Music - across the board and in all genres 
33. That feeling after you get from reading someones blog post that makes you feel better and like you're not the only one
34. belly laughs
35. Great sex
36. Traveling 
37. Hanging with my big sister Cathy
38. Martinis with girlfriends
39. My friends and family.