I miss my mother terribly and the the loss I'm feeling is indescribable.
I feel like I'm in some weird parallel universe and I don't like it one bit! I just want my mother back and my life to go back to normal, because this "new normal" is breaking my heart.
And I'm having a real problem putting how I feel into words - And when I sit at the computer to write about my feelings on the subject - I draw a blank.
But I can tell you that I'm so incredibly thankful & grateful for the Diabetes On-Line community! Without your love and support, I don't know what I'd do!!
The cards, emails, direct messages, cupcakes (Thank you Stacey Divone!) phone calls/voicemail and being there in IRL (Penny!!) have kept and continue to keep me going.
I can also tell you that I promised my mother I would be OK, and no matter what happens - I will be.
Mom and I were always honest with one another and I knew that if she thought I wouldn't be OK, she'd hang on. After her heart stopped and she coded twice, she never woke up and we were told she never would. She was on a ventilator and and starting to suffer.
So for her to hang on out of shear worry wasn't something I wanted for her. So I told her I'd be OK, and that if she wanted to go "home" to see see Daddy, Debbie, her parents, brother and sister and nephews, I'd be OK and to give them all kisses for me.
I loved my mother SO MUCH. She was in her mid 40's when I was born and our bond was so damn strong. She was my mother, friend and protector all in one - And I was her daughter, friend and protector all and one and together we were a force of nature!
Mom supported, was proud and accepted who I was - and who I wasn't and loved me no matter what! We laughed and we had moments when we fought fiercely, but the fights never lasted long, we never held grudges and we always told one another how much we loved each other.
Her house is now quiet without her laughter and sparkling personality, as is my heart.
But I'm happy that my mother lived independently up until the time she went into the hospital. She was always moving and doing and her social life was busier than mine!
She drove herself around in a 20 year old champagne colored caddy and everyone who came in contact with her LOVED her. Both her landscaper and mailman are heart broken by her death - I kid you not.
As far me, I've taken my mother's lifelong advice and have attempted to pick myself up by my bootstraps - even though I'm not so surefooted yet. I'm back working, back blogging and have many changes ahead of me in the next year. And all the change that's currently happening and will continue to happen is really scary.
My next post will be diabetes related, but from time to time, I'm going to write about my mom and I hope you'll all understand why. LOVE & THANKS!!!