Thursday, October 6, 2011

Thankful For The DOC And Pulling Myself Up By My BootStraps.....

So it's been a rough ride these past 6 weeks and I have so much to come to grips with.
I miss my mother terribly and the the loss I'm feeling is indescribable.
I feel like I'm in some weird parallel universe and I don't like it one bit! I just want my mother back and my life to go back to normal, because this "new normal" is breaking my heart.
And I'm having a real problem putting how I feel into words - And when I sit at the computer to write about my feelings on the subject - I draw a blank.

But I can tell you that I'm so incredibly thankful & grateful for the Diabetes On-Line community! Without your love and support, I don't know what I'd do!!

The cards, emails, direct messages, cupcakes (Thank you Stacey Divone!) phone calls/voicemail and being there in IRL (Penny!!) have kept and continue to keep me going.

I can also tell you that I promised my mother I would be OK, and no matter what happens - I will be.

Mom and I were always honest with one another and I knew that if she thought I wouldn't be OK, she'd hang on. After her heart stopped and she coded twice, she never woke up and we were told she never would. She was on a ventilator and and starting to suffer.

So for her to hang on out of shear worry wasn't something I wanted for her. So I told her I'd be OK, and that if she wanted to go "home" to see see Daddy, Debbie, her parents, brother and sister and nephews, I'd be OK and to give them all kisses for me.

I loved my mother SO MUCH. She was in her mid 40's when I was born and our bond was so damn strong. She was my mother, friend and protector all in one - And I was her daughter, friend and protector all and one and together we were a force of nature!

Mom supported, was proud and accepted who I was - and who I wasn't and loved me no matter what! We laughed and we had moments when we fought fiercely, but the fights never lasted long, we never held grudges and we always told one another how much we loved each other.

Her house is now quiet without her laughter and sparkling personality, as is my heart.

But I'm happy that my mother lived independently up until the time she went into the hospital. She was always moving and doing and her social life was busier than mine!

She drove herself around in a 20 year old champagne colored caddy and everyone who came in contact with her LOVED her. Both her landscaper and mailman are heart broken by her death - I kid you not.

As far me, I've taken my mother's lifelong advice and have attempted to pick myself up by my bootstraps - even though I'm not so surefooted yet. I'm back working, back blogging and have many changes ahead of me in the next year. And all the change that's currently happening and will continue to happen is really scary.

My next post will be diabetes related, but from time to time, I'm going to write about my mom and I hope you'll all understand why. LOVE & THANKS!!!

14 comments:

MOira said...

I cannot imagine what a difficult time this is for you -- but I am so thankful you had such a wonderful mother. She helped make you "You!" Hang in there.

Penny said...

Hello honey, I am glad you are writing about it all, it will help. Your Mom was an amazing woman and you, as her daughter, are an amazing gal as well. Life will be a new normal? It always is after changes like this.
If you need anything, anything at all, you know where to find me hon.
Love you

Scott S said...

The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult things most of us will ever deal with emotionally. I personally lucked out a few years ago with my own mother, who thankfully has fully recovered, but it taught me that life is not something we can take for granted (even though when we get busy its easy to do). You are doing your mother proud by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. She is no doubt looking out for you and will continue to do so, though by teaching you to care for yourself, she probably already had that covered long ago. Hang in there!

Shannon said...

Oh sweetie it must be so surreal for you to experience life without her now. I'm sending you (((hug vibes)))

Rachel said...

If it helps you, keep writing about her, absolutely.

***hugs***

Nikki said...

Kelly, what a poignant post. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope time will heal.

Tony said...

It sounds like your relationship was amazing and that's what makes it hard. I can sense your passion and tightness that you both had in your words. I'm sorry for your loss and hope the happy memories make you smile a little. Talk on Kelly and write on if it helps. ~T

Camille said...

I read you not only because you live with diabetes but because I came to like you and that I can relate to you. So if you feel like writing about you mom for 2 weeks in a row, be my guest!! I'm so glad to hear from you and you are still in my ''prayer'' ...even tho I dont pray alot! lol Take good care of my freind! xox

Brenda F. Bell said...

Kel, for what it's worth, formal mourning in Judaism is an eleven-month period... and then we commemorate our dead with prayers five times a year. My parents, thank G-d, are still alive, though my father is living with Alzheimer's Disease. I can't tell you more about loss than you already know, but I can wrap my arms around you in a big hug. I'm working on a Blue Candle site which is basically a list, and have been reminded that there is also a site at OurDiabetesMemorial.com

Jamie Naessens said...

Kelly, I can't imagine what its like to lose a parent but you have shared your feelings with us, and I can only begin to grasp what it's like. I like to think of the DOC as so much more than just diabetes. We support each other as we go through life's joys and sorrows. If you write about your mother, or anything that touches your life, go for it. We are here for each other. {{HUGS}}

Colleen said...

Losing a mom is tough. I still miss mine.
I love everything you've written about your mom! She sounds like a lovely, classy woman.
You're lucky to have such great memories.

Sarah Jane said...

BIG HUGS KELLYSTAR <3

Wendy said...

Thank you for sharing this most personal corner of your heart with us. There are no rules...express yourself however and whenever you need.

Just know that I care about you unconditionally, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Bernard said...

K2, you make sure and take care of yourself emotionally and physically. The rest of use can wait. So, so sorry that your mum is gone.