Friday, January 22, 2010

Getting Unstuck From The Wall of Overwhelming Shit

After the whole eye one in a million thing happened, I have to be completely honest with you. I handled and accepted it, and was grateful that it had nothing to do with diabetes.

And then...I hit a wall emotionally. Like I totally backed up the car that was my life, and rammed into a wall of… well I’m not sure what the wall was made of. Maybe it was a wall of shock, but it felt like a wall of shit. I believe it was more like a wall of shit created by being completely overwhelmed with life.

It started with not being able to sleep at night. Partly because whenever I closed my eyes in the dark, I’d see (and still do) a really trippy black w/a green glowing aura underneath my eyelids. It’s a really good thing green is my favorite color, because now I see it for about 10 minutes whenever I close my eyes to go to sleep.

My Docs can’t explain the green aura and told me that it’s most likely a side affect of my photo transmitters no longer working properly &being all screwed up. They really can’t tell me much. Like why my right eye is constantly tired at the end of the day and starts to tear, or why whenever I wake up in the morning, my right eye feels like the Sahara, or why I felt pressure from the blood clot, and when and if it would ever disappear.

And between you and me, I also wasn’t sleeping because I was so afraid of what I’d see (or wouldn’t) when I woke up. I’d lie in bed at night, covering my good eye with one hand and trying to see the other in the dark with my bad eye. When I finally fell asleep, it was restless, dreamless sleep.

In the morning I’d wake up afraid to open my eyes, and praying that my left eye was fine. I was tired and completely spent. Honestly, thank GOd I wasn't flying the space shuttle for NASA, because at the point & time, I was COMPLETELY lost in space.

Work remained unfinished, contracts remained unsigned, and I remained frozen in my tracks from the sheer weight of feeling overwhelmed.

I had something like 10 doctors appointments and 6 different procedures in a 3-week time frame. All showed that I was perfectly normal - but I sure didn’t feel it.

It was totally weird because I accepted the eye part for what it was, and was so thankful for what it wasn't. And some stuff went back to normal pretty quickly.

I was cracking jokes and going with the flow, but then I’d cry at my two-week and 4 weeks follow up visits to my ophthalmologist. Partly because he’d say there was no change, but mostly because my Dr felt so bad he could barely look at me in my good eye. At my 6 week follow up last week, he was finally able to look at me, grab my arm and have a heart to heart without looking sad - and that made me SO GLAD.

Other people’s reactions became my emotional litmus, if they looked or felt sad about it, nine times out of ten, I’d make them laugh and be positive. It was the tenth time out of ten that would throw me for a sadness filled loop. At a Christmas party, my friend Bob came up to me and b\put his arm around me and stood there for a few minutes, just holding on to me tight and not saying a word.

We’d been friends for years and years. Bob’s a quiet guy who went to school with my sister. Normally, he always makes me laugh laugh out loud. But when he looked at me and said: I heard about your eye Kel, I’m so sorry. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and his eyes looked like his heart was about to break - and I felt so bad for him.

I could feel my face get red and my eyes start to tear up. I shrugged my shoulders and struggled to get the words out: What can you do? We have to move forward.“ I said with a huge lump in my throat. And even though I absolutely believed in those words 100%, I could hardly keep back my tears.

When one of my closest friends mother (who is I also consider a dear friend) saw me and tried her best to be positive and supportive, she started to cry, and so did I.

When my own mother said, and this is a direct quote: Kelly: I'd like to donate my eye to you- i don't need it, and I really want you to have it. It's the exact same color- it'll be a perfect match. The lump in my throat returned, but I was able to crack a joke.

Instead of crying I told her: Thanks mom, but I want you to keep it. Leave it to me in your will, because If you give it to me now, it's just going to cause all sorts of crap with the siblings! I can see it now- "And mom gave you her eye, your so spoiled!" Afterwards, I went to the bathroom, and had a good cry.

Tears happen no matter how much we accept something.

Then on December 24th, my insurance company sent me a letter telling me that I HAD to switch to a different policy- one that was twice as much per month as the one I pay for now. I freaked! Not only did I freak, I was mad. Mad that I’d had $15,000 worth of tests that had nothing to do with diabetes, and all this tests said I was 100% fine. I was a 1 in a million woman and now I had to pay through the nose becuase of it!

My heart and brain was deemed in fine working order- which is freaking fantastic and should have been a joyous moment in my life. My insurance company should have thrown me a ticker tape parade down Broadway! Instead, they were kicking me in the ass!

Top that off with actually trying to get a hold of an insurance rep on December 27th, which is effing impossible because all the reps are courting their big clients working on open enrollment be for December 31st. Basically, you have a better chance of seeing God on a cloudy day.

All I wanted to do was hide under the covers and did the day-to-day bare minimum.

I was tired of tackling the hard stuff in life, I was tired of feeling broke and broken – I wanted to coast.

A few days ago I got another letter from the insurance company, and yet another bill, and I got sad again. I mentioned insurance companies and karma in a tweet and received some wonderful DM's from many awesome friends. Those DM's made me feel much better.

And then, something miraculous happened. I got my ass in gear. I started making calls, catching up on paper work, and plowing past the shit.

I got unstuck.

Life can throw us manure curve balls during a shit storm and cause us to bang smack dab into a wall of crap and get stuck there.

You can either stay stuck in the shit forever, OR you can get unstuck, back up from the wall of overwhelming,take those crap balls and the manure from the shit storm & have a hell of a garden. I mean an award winning garden, like the kind that stops people in their tracks because it’s so fan fucking fantastic and awe inspiring.

It's taken some time, but I've finally extracted and unstuck myself from the shit and the crappy way it’s made me feel, and I’m moving forward and moving on.

Is it hard? Yes. Do I feel have moments of feeling overwhelmed? YES. But it feels SO GOOD to not be stuck in the overwhelming moments all the time.

Why am I telling you this? I'm not really sure, except that your my friends, I love you, and I just thought I’d share.


FatCatAnna said...

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly - kudos to you on your post! I would have been going thru' the same emotional UP/down as you were, but not sure if I could have put my feelings down on "paper" the way you have here! BTW, I probably would have been a bitch on wheels at some point during my acceptance time of losing my eyesight (I was similar to when I lost my left breast to diabetic mastopathy - but at least I've been reconstructed to centre fold status again ). I still can't understand the doubling of your insurance - WTF! I'll never quite understand your American way of medical coverage, it's just so darn confusing.
BTW, love the bit about your Mum leaving her eye to you, and it causing a disruption amongst your siblings - that got me LOL!

Cara said...

Kelly, we all love you too! I'm glad you've shared w/ us. And it's okay to have some "mourning" time after dealing w/ all of this stuff. It more than any of us should ever have to deal with. It's just too bad that this whole one-in-a-million isn't a good thing. But you are one-in-a-million in a good way too! :)

Rachel said...

Very similar to the thoughts and emotions I've gone through in the past several weeks. *hugs*

Penny said...

Love it Kelly! That's my girl! How wonderful to become un-stuck! Isn't it something as humans that we can get down to the low of the low and then boom! something switches in our brain and we can get back on the horse that threw us. I admire that in people and I admire that in you. You are awesome, courageous and life-affirming.

Your mom sounds fantastic. Your friends sound wonderful. I am so thrilled that you have such a good network that gets you through.

You go girl! You so freakin' rock.

Cherise said...


Thank you for sharing your life with us. I know it's been a tuff 6 weeks for you, you have to let go. I'm glad you did. Yikes, your insurance company is a trip, WTH? I'm your getting everything figured out.

Araby62 (a.k.a. Kathy) said...

You are soooooooooo loved in return! {{{hugs}}}

Maybe we Ds should storm DC and sort that whole health care bill out. We probably know more than most people!

Kassie said...

1) Best title, quite possible ever
2) Awesome post
3) Thank you!

George said...

Thank you for the inspiration and for sharing. Your are such a strong person and I look up to you because of your strength.

I wish I could send you a crisp piece of yummy bacon to enjoy but instead I'll send you a (((HUG))).

Casey said...

Great post. Thank you for sharing with us. You are an awesome person. Really, you are. So much love for you.

Kay Litchy said...

Man am I glad I'm not the only one suffering from the Wall of Overwhelming Shit. Perfect name for it, by the way, and I wish I'd come up with it.

Scott said...

K2, Sometimes the smell of $H!t is enough to force us to get up and move ahead. It's not necessarily because we're great at it or that we're internally strong, rather, the smell of it kind of forces us to!! We should be thankful nature has this karma thing in place, otherwise we might wonder how we ever get through some of these things!

Michael Hoskins said...

Kelly. Thank you so much for sharing that. You are an incredible inspiration. For some reason, many of us in the DOC seem to have been stuck in an overwhelming and depressing abyss of emotional crap - there must be something in the diabetic air. Granted, ours aren't the "one-in-a-million." But in deadling with mine, your posts like this are an incredible inspiration to me personally and I honestly don't know what I'd do without having your written word to reflect on so much. I'm glad to hear you're finding your way out of the current crap storm, and wish you well in continuing to put it behind. Will do whatever I can from my virtual world in Indiana to help, as needed. In the meantime, I send Virtual Bacon Hugs for morale support.

Lorraine said...

Good for you Kelly. Continue plowing, but if you get a little stuck every now and then - it's okay. Just let us know and we'll help you plow forward as best we can.

babscampbell said...

Kelly, I'm so glad you're feeling unstuck. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, but I DO know what it's like to have the DOC backin' you up. We've got quite the posse!
You really are an inspiration to so many. You're a strong, determined Diazon that keeps the rest of us taking one more step forward. Hang in there girl! You truly are one in a million!

Shamae said...

Good post! You are great. I enjoy reading your blog. I love the analogies. You ae awesome!

Minnesota Nice said...

Kelly, when we have an unexpected crisis thrown at us we go into what I call "coping autopilot" and forge ahead, doing what needs to be done. Not processing anything more than the moments ahead.
Then, a bit later, all the muck from the undertow bubbles to the surface and it's hell to deal with.
Realize your own strength. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the time needed to heal emotionally.