And as I sat there waiting and waiting for diabetes to play nice and my blood sugar to come back down to earth, I started to write down what I was feeling in my journal.
And now I'm sharing what I wrote with you.
OK, I want to go to bed - Seriously, that’s all I want to do.
I’m tired. I haven’t slept well the past couple of nights and I have to get up early and go to work in like morning. Yep, stick a fork in me because I’M. FREAKING. DONE.
But I can’t go to bed because my blood sugar is 286, up 20 points from an hour ago and after a site change.
And I’m mad. Mad at my blood sugar, made at myself for creating the blood sugar and mad at my pancreas for abandoning me all those years ago. But I can’t get all “guest on The Gerry Springer Show,” type of mad because I’m trying to remain calm and wait 30 minutes to see if my correction bolus kicks in.
Ironically, when one has a high blood sugar, all one wants to do is sleep. I keep yawning and resist the urge to lay down on my aubergine couch.
Instead, I’m writing my frustration in my journal while simultaneously listening to the 11 o’clock news and sneaking glances at the time ticking by in the corner of my lap top. Only two minutes have passed and it’s torture. I live by myself, this crap gotta get shut down, NOW.
I’m resisting the urge to both rage bolus with every fiber of my being.
In my high blood sugar jello brain the word ‘waiting” and " diabetes," followed by “stuck," keep running through my mind.
How many seconds, minutes and hours over the past 35 years have I been stuck waiting for my diabetes to play nice?
Seriously, if I had nickel for every hour I’d be very rich woman - If I had nickel for every second - I could have financed the cure for diabetes and have had plenty of money left over to travel the world in both style and comfort
OK, now I have to pee - for like the third time in an hour. BRB.
Alright I’m back, with an empty bladder & sans ketones - So I got that going for me.
Seventeen minutes have passed, six more to go before I test my blood sugar.
I could make sure my work bag is locked and loaded for tomorrow, I could fold laundry, or organize my desk. There’s a whole shit load of things I could to make six minutes fly by quick. But all I want to is sleep, and writing down my thoughts is enough stimulation for my high blood sugar J-E-L-L-O brain.
11: 45 p.m. and two minutes left before I test and I have to pee again. BRB.
Ok I’m back. And now I’m going to test.... And now I’m 302 - And I’m ready to throw this fucking computer out the window!Seriously, is this a fucking joke??
It’s not funny - Not at all! It’s scary and frustrating and I don’t want to deal with this shit. But I will.
Diabetes may have the upper hand right now, but this battle isn't n over yet
OK, brand spanking new reservoir and infusion set/site is complete & as is correction bolus.
It’s one minute before midnight and I have to get up in 6.5 hours.
I have a splitting headache, I’m sucking down seltzer through a straw and I just want to go to bed. My eyes are starting to well up and I’m trying my best to hold back the tears.
This is life, this is life with diabetes, high blood sugars come with the territory so roll with it. What goes up must come down after all - I know that, I really do.
But it’s moments like this - when the waiting is torture, but necessary in order to you know - Stay alive.
Quitting is not an option - Neither is failing - And apparently, neither is sleeping.
12:46 a.m. Blood sugar is now 266 - THANK GOD. And of course I have to go pee, AGAIN. And then I'm going to bed!
Except.... now I'm wide awake. :/
7:30 AM & ftw: Morning blood sugar was 90!