Because Sometimes Diabetes Is Hard & You Have To Let It All Out.

Yesterday sucked - And then it didn't. Here's what happened & I hope you can relate!
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“You know you’re A1c is 8.2,” said the attending Fellow (who looked like she was maybe 15 and was extremely polite,) as she went through the standard questions so should could prep Dr. J.

Me: NO, I DIDN'T. I expected it to be in the mid sevens, but not 8.2.

And my heart sank into my the pit of my stomach and I kept looking down at the floor. 

I explained about my recent cortisone shot for tendinitis and my crazy insulin requirements over the past few weeks - And how that ironically, my numbers had been more study with the cortisone than pre-cortisone  - because I'd been tracking and adjusting my temporary basal rates accordingly. 

I knew the attending was trying her best, but I just wanted to talk with Dr. J.

She left the room to grab Dr. J and I posted the following on Facebook and tried to stay calm.

Endo apt running an hour behind schedule because of course. And I don't even what to talk about my a1c.#diabetesburnout #ImnotgonnacryImnotgonnacryImnotgonnacry

I took some deep breathes and practiced my yoga breathing. 
I looked up, tried to stay centered and stared at the florescent lights overhead. 

I hate florescent lights. 

There was a light knock at the door and in walk Dr. J, followed by the Fellow.

He extended his hand and when I reached out to take it, he clasped both his hands around mine and said: Kelly, how are you doing? What’s going on? We need to get to the route of your a1c. The rest of your labs are great and we are going to discuss them, but you’ve gone up a point and we need to know why. I’ve tracked down Cheryl (my CDE and his right hand,) and she’s going to come in and yell at you.

And then my face fell and immediately he smiled and said: NO, she’s not going to yell at you, nobody is going to yell at you - I’m joking. It’s OK, Kelly. 
We are going to track your trends together and everything’s going to be OK. 

At that would be when my CDE Cheryl walked in and we hugged one another tight. 
Then in tandem Dr. J & Cheryl asked me what was going on in my head. 

Me: I don't know...... I'm tired. I’m just really tired. I’m tired of tendinitis and of always having to work at “this.” 

I’m just tired. I’m OK, I’m just feeling a little burned out.

Almost 37 years and sometimes it gets to me. I’m just...tired. 

My voice started to crack as I was talking - I could feel my face starting to get red as I tried my best to blink back the tears. 

But saying it out loud felt good.

Cheryl looked me in the eye, patted my arm and said: Of course you're burned out - how could you not be? I sent you the email a few weeks ago about our Pump Support Group Dinner next week. Kelly, I want to buy you dinner, I want you to come. 
I know it’s a hike but I’d love to have you there.

ME: O.K. 

And I looked at Dr. J and Cheryl, who were both looking back at me with love; concern, understanding and compassion.....and I felt like a total shithead. 

I felt like I’d disappointed them - and my community - and myself.

Dr. J: When the cortisone’s out of your system - probably next week, we can start tracking your trends and we can tweak what needs to be adjusted. 

The rest of your labs are beautiful. Kidneys are fine, cholesterol is beautiful, Vitamin D is 35 up from 14 last time. That’s awesome!

Me: What about my thyroid? 

 Dr. J. Totally normal. Your thyroid numbers even better than last time! We just need to work on your A1c. It would be much easier if you had a CGM. 

Me: Yeah, I know. 

Dr. J: We will figure this out. Now, can I get you some insulin samples? 

Me: YES. 

And that’s what he did. He went out of the room and came back with a bag of insulin for me. 

After that we said our goodbyes, I scheduled my next appointment for October, got my parking ticking validated and hightailed it out of there as fast as I could. 

I could feel my eyes starting to fill up again in the elevator - but I kept it together until I got to my car. 

By the time I drove out of the parking garage, tears were streaming down my face and I was full on Oprah  "ugly cry,” mode.

And in my head I was like: How could I have let this happen? Jesus, I’m a Diabetes Advocate and a Diabetes Blogger - I’m all about empowering people and I let my A1C get up to 8.2 -WTF!!

I wracked my brain trying to remember the last time my a1c was 8 or above  - and I couldn't remember... maybe 18 years ago? 

I approached the Walt Whitman Bridge and it was a parking lot. 

As I sat stuck there, stuck on the middle of the bridge in rush hour traffic that wouldn’t budge, I thought about everything. 

I thought about my parents and my sister and how a woman in the waiting room today reminded me of her. 

Not because she looked like her, because she didn’t. But she reminded me of Debbie because she was young, in a wheelchair and her skin looked gray... and I knew why she was there. 

She was there for dialysis and it broke my heart - And it scared the shit out of me. 

And I shed tears for that woman - a lot of them.

I thought about how I had two of the finest Diabetes Mechanics (Dr. J and Cheryl,) on the planet; how I was part of a community and damn grateful for everyone in the DOC and how I knew for a fact that I wasn’t alone - But still felt alone sometimes. 

I thought about perfection and how impossible it is to achieve and maintain in life....and life with diabetes. 

Because diabetes, much like life, always changes the rules just when you think you’ve nailed it. 

And that you can do everything right and still not get the numbers you want. 

I thought about curve balls and how we are always trying to catch, dodge, and or be prepared for them with diabetes - And sometimes all that catching, dodging, and being prepared is fucking exhausting. 

And how I’d much rather dodge the ball and the wrenches than deal with diabetes curveballs. 

Sidebar: See what I did there? 

And then “Fix You,” by Cold Play came on the radio and as I listened to the lyrics, I lost it even more.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And I continued crying in my car, and in the parking lot that is The Walt Whitman Bridge at rush hour. 

Except it was no longer the “I feel sorry for me,” kind of cry that it had started out as. 

No, it was more a healing kind of cry that was much needed. 

And then I said out loud:

I am not broken. 

My pancreas is, but I’m not. 

I may need a diabetes tune-up and I may be tired, but I’m not down for the count because of diabetes - or life. 

I refuse to be stuck in reverse - I'm moving forward - Fuck the curveballs - and the wrenches. 

And that would be when the cars in-front of me started to slowly move and inch their way towards the Jersey side. 

The good tears flowed almost the whole ride home - Until the rush hour tunes went all “old school” and Doug E. Fresh, Slick Rick & The Get Fresh Crew’s  live version of 'The Show," came on the radio. And that would be the exact moment I started singing at the top of my lungs:

Well tonight, on this very mic you're about to hear

{We swear, the best damn rappers of the year

So, cheerio, scream bravo}

Also, if you didn't know this is called The Show!

I sang along to the whole song and every song after that. 

And when I finally made it home I was greeted to amazing support via, texts, twitter & Facebook from my tribe. And I felt so much better. 

Diabetes is hard -  Even when you’ve been doing it for over 30 years. 

Change is hard - even when it’s for the better. 

Crying is OK - Actually, it's more than OK.

Having a community to support you both online and off and a professional diabetes pit-crew who understands and wants to help.....That's not only priceless - it makes all the difference~