Dear Mom: Four Months Later.....

Dear Mom -

It's been 4 months and a little over one week since you died and I miss you so damn much that there there are times my heart and body actually hurt.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and I'd give anything to see you and hug you and hear your voice.

And I miss hearing you laugh and I miss how much we laughed together! We were very very close, and I am so grateful for that.

And I still love you something fierce & I know that you loved me just as fiercely and are looking down and protecting me always!

But as long as I'm being honest, I have to admit that even though we were the closest of close, I still have major feelings of guilt because we argued on the way home from the airport the night before you went into the hospital - And that haunts me.
We made up by the time we got back to your house and had dinner.
And that's one of the things I loved about our relationship.

We always had fun but we had our times where we'd argue and disagree over something and then it was over - just like that!

Then we'd tell one another that we loved each other & we'd both say we were sorry and then we would have a good laugh about our silliness - And we would never hold a grudge.

And it is the most wonderful of blessings that THAT was how we did things.

Mom, I know you loved me and I know that you know I loved you, because we said so often and with such ease and appreciation and love.
But still, I feel terrible that we fought at all that night.
The next day I was considering going to the beach, but hesitated because you seemed so very tired and I didn't want to go.
But you told me (and I'm paraphrasing here) that you were beat from traveling and that you just wanted to relax and that I needed to go out and get some sun and that that I worried too much about you and that I should lighten up and relax and go have some fun.

So I listened to you and went to the beach.
And when I go back later that afternoon, you were sitting on the porch waiting for me and I knew in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong.
Then you told me you'd gotten sick and that your back hurt.

I called the ambulance immediately, even though you didn't want me to.

And later on, when the doctors said your illness had been brewing for months... I wondered if things things might have been different if that day had played out differently.

Mom, I miss being your daughter and even more I miss having you as my mother and my friend.

You loved me unconditionally - flaws and all.

And you always saw my light shine from within, even when I didn't - And you always made me smile.

And no longer having you in this world is a very hard to thing accept.

But knowing that you're with Dad and Debbie & your parents & brother and sister makes me happy and give me comfort.

I know that they waited a very long time to see you again. The days since you've been gone have been filled with tears and change and it's been a wild roller coaster ride.

And I know that the days ahead will continue to be filled with change and tears and I'm sure the amusement park theme will continue.

And I know that you are looking out for me - And I will best to make you proud of everything I do!

The first three months after your death were a whirlwind of shock and of being numb and of dealing with change and all sorts of crap.
Going through the motions was how I got by - I was on autopilot.

I'm into month four now and there are moments of autopilot for sure, but I am finally finding my back way to normal - Even thought it's an incredibly different normal.

I have moments of anger when I think of how much you suffered in the end and it literally makes me feel broken.

And when I hear friends or strangers complain about something their mother did, I want to shake them and say: Get over the small shit, you only have one mother and your lucky yours is still alive!

Once, I actually uttered those words to a teenager at the mall who was yelling at her mom.

She looked at me in shock - and for the first time in the history of malls and the teenagers who frequent them, I think a teenager was rendered speechless in the food court.

There have been days over the past four months that I've waited for the wave of grief to knock me down and I wondered if I'll be able to get back up. But I always do - I get back up.

I ride those waves of grief like a surfer and will continue to do so.
And I know that no matter what, the wave will eventually crest.

And I will always find my way back to shore - Because I am my mother's daughter.

And in those moments I hold on to you tight and use your memory as my lighthouse, rudder & anchor all rolled into one.

I feel your strength in me and with me and there have been a few times when I actually feel your presence.

And every now and then when I miss you most, I notice little unexpected reminders of you all around.

Flashes of lavender and purple in your favorite shades pop up when I need to see them most .

Hearing songs on the radio that you used to sing loudly make me smile when I'm in the car and just when I start to feel sad about you not being here.

And because the winter has been a mild one, the daffodils are starting to pop up from the ground much earlier than they should.

And the daffs were one of your favorites- Mine too.

Daffodils are one of the strongest and resilient of flowers.

Daffodils are tough and beautiful at the same time and regardless of how tough life's winter is -

Daffodils remind us that Spring is just around the corner - Both cyclically & metaphorically.

Regardless of the elements or the obstacles, daffodils bloom brilliantly no matter what.

And even when their time is done, the daffodils beauty and strength give me hope and are unforgettable and inspiring and stay with me always.

So is it any wonder then that they remind me of you?