Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Melt Down At My Endo's Office - About Everything.

Sometimes you just have to let it all out - And then do your best to let it all go~
######

So I had my Endo appointment last week and it was a stressful one. 
Things started to go down hill quickly when I arrived at the office and got a copy of my labs and three things screamed from the page: 

1. My a1c was 7.6, up from 7.1 - And I was crushed
2. My lab work was incomplete - My cholesterol info was missing & so were my triglycerides 
3. This was not the way I wanted to end a stressful couple of weeks.

And I tried my damnedest to calm myself down, I really did. But I just couldn't keep it together and I began to cry. Because I was tired. Tired of my diabetes; tired of worrying about my diabetes, tired of worrying about my genetics, and tired of worrying about where I was going in my life. 

And at that moment, it was really hard for me to see the glass half full - And normally that's not a problem for me. 

And then the Attending walked in and introduced herself and asked my why I was crying. 

Me: I'm tired of worrying about my health - I want a Diabetes vacation - I want someone else to think about this shit for a while - I want some time off - stick a fork in me, I'm done.   
And I miss my mom. She died at the end of last September - And I'm the Executor and we sold the house....and then I moved all... and that was only the first 6 months. And the whole thing has just been catching up with and I don't think I've dealt with the grief and the loss yet. 
And the stupid lab didn't do my cholesterol screens and I'm pissed. But I called them while I was waiting for you and Dr. J and all you guys need to do is call in the other tests you want because they still have my blood since it was just drawn yesterday.  

The Attending was kind as we talked about my illustrious family medical history and all it's numerous and gnarly branches. We talked about recent blood sugars and the lab neglecting to complete my lab work. And we talked about how hard it was to lose a parent and that until you experience it - you just don't understand it. 

Attending: No worries Kel, we'll call the additional labs it in. 
Me: Ok, great. Sorry to cry - I'm going to get my period any day now - that doesn't really help does it? 

Attending: I hear yeah on that one. So you blog about diabetes, right? 
Me: Yeah, I do. 
And then we talked about all sorts of stuff like the Diabetes On-line Community and being healthy/healthier and how fast the summer had gone by. Then she took my blood pressure again (this time it was normal,) and then she left to consult with Dr. J. 

And then I decided to just lay back on the exam table and flip through my iPad and try to stay calm. 
I caught up on emails and facebook statuses and then decided to play Fruit Zombies so I wouldn't have to think about anything but smashing fruits. 
15 minutes later Dr. J walked in with the attending and was like: Hello Kelly - How are you? 
Me: NOT HAPPY. 

Dr. J: OK, first off, lets talk about labs. The ones that are here look great - And we ordered the ones that are missing - If they don't look good, I'll call you, ASAP - But I know they will. Your cardio tests from last week all came back and they were good, you're working out four days a week, you're doing what you're supposed to. 
Kelly, we have to continually keep being proactive with our health. Knowledge is power and you are doing what you must to live your best life  - And there are going to be tweaks every now and then. Tweaks in treatments and tweaks in meds. 
Me: I'm afraid of the tweaks. 
Dr. J: I get that. look we can only do our very best - And that's what you're doing. Keep doing it - And keep moving forward with your life, you have so much to offer, both personally and professionally!
Now let's talk about your a1c and you getting a new insulin pump - because it's time - You are well passed your pump warranty - BY YEARS. 

Me: I know it's time - I just can't deal with it - I have Insulin Pump Purchase Anxiety so I've just chosen to ignore the whole thing entirely. 

Dr. J:  Well, we gotta figure it out. Insulin pumps are like any other piece of electronics, they lose their efficiency the older they get - which is probably why your a1c is 7.6.  Get a new one and I bet your a1c will be in the high sixes.
Look at what's out there and if you'd like you can set up an appointment with Cheryl (his right arm and CDE,) to go over what pumps interest you and why - And what pumps work for you. 
Me: And what pumps my insurance will cover. 
Dr. J: Yes,what pumps are covered by your insurance. 
Now, lets schedule an appointment for you and I to meet in January and shoot Cheryl an email and set up a visit with her in October/ November to talk about your diet, pumps, etc. 

Then he handed me a bag with insulin samples and told me to call or email if I needed him and to have a great Fall. 

And as I drove back home I kept thinking about everything that when down in the appointment. 
Bottom line: Stressing isn't helpful nor is it healthy - Actually, stress is terrible when it comes to our health - And our confidence. 
Knowledge is power in life and living a healthy life..... And knowledge can be scary. 
So can change, and  and a lot of change in a very short time is overwhelming. 
And lastly, a good cry and bitching every now and then doesn't hurt either - As long as the bitching is in controlled increments, not massive doses. 

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

So good you are letting it out - no need to hold all this pain/sadness/ in - keep talking/writing - you are being heard. ((((hugs and love)))) Ellen

Anonymous said...

Just let it out....it's not healthy to keep it all inside. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Mari (Santa Ana, CA :)

Mike Durbin said...

Lots of love, Kelly! (((Hugs)))

Ryanne said...

So glad I am not the only one who bawls during an endo appointment. You are great :)

Scully said...

I hear ya.
In the voice of Phil Southerland, "you have to be the CEO of your own body when you have type 1 diabetes."

But even CEO's get a break from their jobs every once in awhile. :(

You can only handle SO much. I'm glad your docs were friendly.

Moira said...

That said, I think I love your endo. Hang in there Kelly. It would be abnormal if you were not having days like this -- just know there is a world of folks out here who all feel you rock it.

NeurosurgeryNP said...

Hang in there k2.
:)

Penny said...

Hang on, Kelly! We got your back, and we love you.

StephenS said...

Wow, wow, wow... sorry you had the meltdown. But maybe you're right... we all need to vent now and then.

Diabetes is always hard. Sometimes, too hard for one person. You know that. That's why we all try to support each other. Good for you for talking about it. I know you will be okay, because you already are. Don't change.

Anonymous said...

Too much change in too short a period of time, no wonder you are stressed. On top of that you are grieving. And not slacking off all that much in your D care, even with all this on your plate. You are amazing. Cause I agree the .5 jump in your numbers is probably due to an old pump. No need for pump anxiety really as the pumps have not changed all that much in years; you could work well with any of the pumps out there. You may not be able to take a D vacation, but I hope you take a real vacation as soon as you can. You deserve some down time.

Karen said...

:( Hugs and love to you, k2.

Scott K. Johnson said...

(((HUGS)))

Wendy Rose said...

I'm proud of you, no matter what. I'm proud of you for getting up and moving, staying proactive, and doing what you need to do -- even when all you want to do is take a vacay from all of it.

It's the little things. The getting up and going through the daily routine of little things that can add up to feel overwhelming, but you're doing it. And you're doing it WELL.

Keep it up, Kel. Love you bunches, my friend!!!!!!