Diabetes Memory #78,290: Food Prep FlashBacks

I grew up at the tail end of the Diabetes Dark Ages. Only a few types of insulin were available then, we tested urine instead of blood sugars and there were no such things as CGMs or insulin pumps. My parents had 3 children out of 6 with type 1 and my dad had t1. Things were hectic and crazy and it wasn't calm or easy. 
I’ve written about it before but honestly I don’t know how the hell they survived diabetes sans support - but they did - And I am so grateful.  
It’s funny that food prep can bring back childhood memories of life with  D, but it totally does and did. The following happened Sunday night. 
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Mom & I - A  few months before I was dx'd

Sunday night I was prepping food for the week. And by prepping I mean pre-slicing Granny Smith apples, spritzing the slices with juice from a lemon so they wouldn’t brown in the fridge and would be all ready for my Monday morning green smoothie. 
I washed a bunch of baby spinach and spun it dry in my salad spinner and cut up bananas chunks to freeze for the same breakfast smoothie. 
I pre-peeled organic carrots, sliced them and threw them in a glass jar filled with ice water and placed it in the fridge, so they were good ready whenever I wanted to snack on something crunchy and low carb. 
My prep time was quick and just as I was finishing up the carrots, I had a flashback of my childhood  - to my mom standing at the sink peeling carrots and placing them in a glass jar filled with ice water in the fridge - Something she did daily and long before I was diagnosed. Followed by a memory of her washing grapes and strawberries, drying them completely,  then counting out exactly 12 grapes, wrapping them in saran-wrap for my school snack bag. 
Next she' measuring 1 cup of strawberries, slice them in half and place them in a small Tupperware container and put  it in my lunch box.
Mom tried so hard to make things as normal as possible for me/us when it came to eating. 
As a family, we only dined on small baked potatoes instead of big ones at dinner, there were always lots of raw veggies because I liked raw veggies better than cooked veggies - Still do to this day.  And always sugar free chocolate pudding for dessert. 
FTR: I don’t dig sugar free anything, except for sugar free chocolate pudding.
Yep, my mom did her absolute best and I wasn’t always grateful - I fought the grapes and refused to eat them  a lot of times because “who the hell only eats 12 grapes?” 
I preferred strawberries and apples because I felt like I was getting more bang for my diabetes buck - they weren’t free foods, but they sure felt like it sometimes.
Looking back, she let me go to sleepovers because she knew it was important to be with my friends. I’m sure there were phone calls made between the sleepover parents and mine and I have no doubt that my sugars were on the high side the next day, but I don’t remember. I just remember the sleeping over, staying up and having fun, parts. 
I took tap dancing on Saturday mornings and did gymnastics 3 days a week. 
I always carried my snack with me and mom waited with the rest of the moms in the waiting room until the end of class, when we performed for our parents. 
I always ate a big snack class before class and if I needed to eat during, I ate. 
My parents made sure my teachers knew and nobody ever made a big deal of it - except for my 5th grade teacher - but that’s for another post. 

And as I stood at the sink thinking about all those things my eyes started to get all leaky. 

I was a lucky duck to have her as my mom and I know it!
And I miss her so much.

#tbt: Dear Children & Teens With Diabetes

Today's #tbt post was written back on October 13th, 2009 and I thought about it today for several reasons:
1. Children and teens with diabetes are down right amazing, as are their parents
2.The Children With Diabetes Friends For Life Conference in Orlando is less than 2 weeks and I can't wait! 
3. Sometimes, regardless of whether we are a child, teen or adult with diabetes - or a parent of one and or all of the above, we need to be reminded how wonderful and magnificent we truly are~
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Dear Children and Teens with Diabetes:

I know you're smart and a digital native, and I know you know almost everything, but please hear me out.

I’m an adult (which freaks me out to write, let alone say) with t1 diabetes and I was once in your shoes.

Being a child with diabetes has its challenges, and some days it sucks- I get that - And I’ve experienced those days -still do in fact.

Diabetes is a lot to handle for an adult, not to mention a kid or a teen, but you're doing a great job!

I know that shots can be scary, annoying and painful, and I know that pumps have their own set of challenges, like infusion site changes, doorknobs and deadspots.

Your bravery is AWESOME.

I know you want to be like your friends, and eat whatever and whenever you want.

And that’s not always possible when your blood sugar is high or the food isn’t gluten free.

I know testing your blood makes the tips of your fingers sore and freckly, and the more tests you take, the more rough and callused your fingers become.

Diabetes doesn’t change the fact that you’re a kid, you just

come with a different set of instructions than most of your friends.

Fitting in, regardless of the age or circumstances, can be challenging at times. 

All of us- Diabetes or not, have qualities that make us stand out.

Embrace what makes you special and run with it!

You’ll be surprised how others will follow your lead.

And the ones who don’t respect you and your diabetes- have other issues (most likely at home,) that don’t involve you and D at all. Trust me on this fact!

Ignore what they say and focus on your real friends.

Diabetes will help you in other ways you never imagined or even thought possible.

Your diabetes will help you see who your real friends are.

Diabetes will help you see who your real friends are not.

Diabetes will allow you to develop something called empathy.

Now keep in mind, almost every one has empathy- or the ability to put themselves in other peoples shoes- but not everyone pays attention to their empathy gene.

Without a developed sense of empathy- humans become selfish and uncaring towards others thoughts and feelings. That will never happen to you.

Diabetes has given you a unique perspective at quite a young age. You know what it’s like to have a bad Diabetes day because of high or low numbers.

You, as a person with Diabetes have the second sight to see when others struggle, and know how to be a good friend to anyone who needs one. Seriously- that’s a cool gift!

Diabetes will allow you to recognize when your high or low – sometimes-even before you test.

Teenagers, this part of the letter is directed mainly at you.

Look, I know that you know everything- I do - I KNOW THAT.

But please give your parents some street cred when it comes to your Diabetes care.

If you want more independence regarding your Diabetes (which I think you should have- to a point) show your folks that your actually capable of taking care of yourself & diabetes.

Your diabetes isn’t going anywhere whether you choose to work with it or against it.

So TAKE OWNERSHIP of your Diabetes. Show your parents that your serious about managing your Diabetes and work with them.

Do this by testing your blood sugars 9 to 15 times a day, (OK, try shooting for 8 times a day)  and write them down in a log book. OK, I'm terrible at that, how about looking into a phone app for logging blood sugars - Heck, you're on your phone all the time anyway so why not? 
 Keep in mind that testing 8 times a day only turns out to be 40 seconds a day, 9 times a day is 45 seconds a day and 15 times a day is only 75 seconds. 
I KNOW you have an extra 40 to 75 seconds a day between texting, wii, texting,school, texting, work, texting, Starbucks, and texting.

Back in the Diabetes Darkages, when I started testing my bloodsugars, my parents wanted me to lug THIS around in my knapsack-

And this is the box it came it!

And it took 2 minutes to tell me what my blood sugar was.

THINGS ARE SO MUCH EASIER IN SOME WAYS TODAY!

Back in the day, there was no such thing as counting carbs and ALL the "good" foods were off limits.

So take advantage of the fact that carb counting is key and nothing is off limits and bolus correctly (give your best shot and if you're wrong, that's what a correction bolus is for) for carbs.

And then test your glucose later to see if you reached Blood Sugar Nirvana.

Carry food with you- ALWAYS. It’s your responsibility- no one else’s.

Also: I know for fact that Glucose Tabs and fruit rollups can be discreetly carried- even in the tightest of jeans.

Take a moment and dust off your empathy tool (which tends to get rusty during the teen years,) and put yourself in your parents shoes every now and then.

I don’t know if you're aware of this, but when you were diagnosed, not only was your world turned upside down, but so was your parents.

And if you were diagnosed as a child- they’ve spent years working 24X7 to make sure you're healthy - Living with diabetes is hard for them, too. 

And I totally get and can relate to wanting more Diabetes freedom- And freedom in general, so show them that you have a handle on you deserve it!

Here's the thing: Parents will always be PARENTS- there's no changing that. They will worry about you even when you're well over 30 and working a real job and living on your own- And you will miss them terribly when they are no longer here to worry about you. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

One more thing, THANK your parents every now and then for all they’ve done (and vice versa parents,) because someday,when you're healthy, living on your own and living the life you want, you’ll realize everything they’ve done was because they LOVE you.

Later~

Kelly Kunik

#tbt Diabetes Style: Multi Purpose Tongs That Boiled Needles, Flipped Bacon & Caused My Dad To Break Into O' Sole Mio"

My mom and or my dad would stand over a little tan pot with a dark brown handle filled with boiling water, one eye on the clock  & with these tongs in hand. 

My folks were still in the habit of sterilizing needles, even though by the time I was diagnosed disposable needles had hit the market and were the norm. A throwback practice from the days when they only had two children with diabetes instead of three and needles were made of glass and sharpened with a stone slate .
And in some weird way I think they found the ritual comforting.
These were the very same tongs that after being washed, worked their magic flipping bacon for 6 children and two adults.

God, it's funny what you remember about growing up - And growing up with diabetes. 

Today, these ancient tongs are still used every now and then - Like when my “real tongs” broke and lost their springiness while I was right in the middle of a veggie stir fry extravaganza. And they can still flip bacon like a badass and with chef like precision.  

Mostly though, I keep them around for what and who they remind me of. 
Also: These well worn tongs were the subject matter of a post from January of 2012 - Which I've reposted below in honor of #tbt - And the people who they remind me of every single time I look at them~
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Diabetes Memories: Boil, Boil, Toil & Trouble - Of Boiled Insulin Needles & Other Diabetes Givens Growing Up~

With three people with diabetes growing up in the house, (four if you count my oldest sister who got married when I was 4) things got pretty crazy, not to mention expensive.

And there were certain diabetes givens in the Kunik household

Like my dad kept his insulin in the butter compartment in the fridge in the utility room, while my sister and I kept our insulin in the fridge in the kitchen.

My dad used Lente as his long acting insulin and I used NPH - And I think my sister did too.

I remember my dad, Debbie and I always busting out needles before we ate our meals, right there at the table - no matter who was at the table. That was our diabetes reality and if you ate at the Kunik table, you were bound to see some hypodermics being injected before the main course.

I remember glasses of orange juice measured out perfectly to treat a lows and the the anxiousness in which we drank down that orange juice.

I remember Tab and Fresca and Diet Pineapple Fanta and diet Orange Shasta always being on hand - Same goes for Diet Pepsi.

I remember that when I was first diagnosed, I used Sweet N Low in my cereal, while my father used something called Sweeta - A liquid sweetner that I thought was heinous.

And those are just a few of the many diabetes memories that enter my clogged mind on a daily basis!

I also have these very vivid memories of my father (and my mother for that matter,) boiling our insulin needles over the stove in a tiny little tan pot with a brown handle - which is something they started doing way before I came to be.

Because back in the Diabetes Dark Ages, needles were made of glass and required boiling and sterilization before each use. So my parents spent of time pre Kelly boiling needles over the kitchen stove.

By the time I was diagnosed, needles were disposable and came in boxes filled with at least a hundred. But my dad still boiled mine to make them last longer, which taught me a few diabetes lessons early on. Lessons like:

1. The numbers and lines on the needle started to become faint and difficult to read after it’s been boiled a few times
2. Much like “blunt lancets,” the more you use a needle (after you boil it, of course) the more blunt it gets!

My eight year old self would have major arguments with parents regarding boiled needles and how much they sucked.

And I remember my dad talking about the cost and then singing an intangible and entirely made up english version of O' Sole Mio in a mock yiddish accent while boiling the needles and waving the tongs around to make me laugh and get me off the subject.

Looking back now, I realize how much they had on their plate - And I’m still amazed at how they did it all.

And I’m reminded how far diabetes care has come - And how O' Sole Mio no longer applies~

Do you have any diabetes memories from growing up with diabetes?

Diabetesalicious Way Back When Post: Dear Kelly In The Past~

This diabetesalicious blast from the past, post originally aired ( I mean posted,) on September 15th, 2008 and I still feel this way 5 years later. 
Even though I still feel this way - And after an incredible week at #CWDFFL13, 
where I was continually reminded in real time by my Green & Orange bracelet wearing family of myself worth in all dimensions! 
I started to think about this post because my #cwdffl13 clan personified what I was feeling when I wrote this post and they made me remember why I wrote it. Thanks guys!
So then I went back and reread it and decided to repost.  
And I'm hoping that by reposting, I will continue to remind myself and anyone else who needs reminding just how fantastical they are - And just how far we've come~
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Wrote this for lots of reasons, all to long to get into. Bottom line, we are imperfect people in an imperfect world - Diabetes or not....And we are wonderful!
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Dear Kelly in the Past -

It’s Kelly from the future. I’m writing you for several reasons. 
*To remind me just how far I’ve come whenever stress and sadness start to creep in regarding life with the big D.
*And how far I still need to go in order to achieve all that life has to offer.
*And to remind others that life goes on and happiness happens, regardless of diabetes. *That there’s stuff (shit) that you to need to move past in order to indeed, live and flourish - d related or not.

*And that as a child or adult with diabetes, you need to live and experience ALL life has to offer.

First off Kelly, please remember no matter how tough life gets with diabetes or otherwise – you deserve the best life has to offer you.
Your not damaged goods because of a faulty pancreas. And every time that voice of self doubt screams out regarding your self worth and what you deserve, remember that everyone – diabetic or not - is never born perfect, no matter how they appear on the outside.

Everyone on earth is born with imperfections and issues and that’s part of life.
Don’t think you deserve less because a very small part of your pancreas doesn’t function.

Only the dead are perfect, and that’s because our memory allows that in order for us to get past the grief.

You deserve it all. To be loved, accepted, and respected. You deserve to reach your dreams, instead of worrying so much about your health and what the future holds, that you actually hold yourself back in the present.

Look to all the positives your diabetes has given instead of just the negatives.

Would you truly be such an empathetic, funny, intuitive person had diabetes not entered your life?

To that gangly 8-year with the face full of freckles: You don’t have to be so brave about it all. It’s OK to cry in front of your family regarding your diagnoses. Your family is scared and sad too.

Continue to look to the funny as way to handle your diagnoses. You’ll be tempted to rebel and embrace the angry side of things. Don’t. It wastes energy, confidence, and precious time that you’ll never get back.

Your first Endo Dr. Baker was right, “you’re only hurting yourself if you don't tell the truth.”

Adolescent Kel: I know your parents drive your crazy, especially about your diabetes.
Please keep in mind that they are suffering and stressing themselves. But because they love you, they aren’t going to show you how horrible your diabetes makes THEM feel!
Now, they might need some persuading to let you do a few things (like wear contacts) but they really let you do so much more than they really were every comfortable with.They’ve let you go on sleepovers; they’ve sent you to camp, allowed you to dance and perform on stage, and always had orange juice waiting in the wings. They let you work and earn spending money. As a child, they never let you wallow in anything even resembling diabetes self pity. They didn’t let anyone else to allow you to wallow in it either.

They prepared you to be an independent adult. Some day, you will appreciate it more than you ever thought possible.

There will come a time in your life when you’ll realize all they did with the knowledge that was available to them, which at the time – wasn’t much. You will be thankful.

I know you're scared about what's happening to your sister Debbie. I also know your really angry. That’s OK.
Please talk to someone.

Speak up when someone hurts you, instead of being stoic. Stoic is for the birds. Taking in all that hurt and anger only hurts you in the long run, no one else.

To quote Don Henley (whom you will have a major crush on in your teens) said it best. “Carrying all that anger, will just eat you up inside.”

Kelly, this is a hard one. Forgive and move on. Let things and people go who have hurt you, no matter how difficult it might be. Remove the weight of sadness from around neck and surround yourself with those who not just embrace you, but who embrace positivity as well. You will learn so many wonderful lessons from them!

Don’t fight diabetes, OWN IT. Because the minute you start to accept your diabetes, you will find that many of the issues that you struggle with regarding diabetes, will fall to the side as you begin to become empowered by ownership of your disease.

What you will be left with is a feeling of control regarding not just your disease, but also your life.

Forget what’s popular with masses and go with what your heart knows is right.

Teen Kelly: Remember that those kids who made fun of you because of your diabetes and those horrible glasses you had to wear, might have been picked on for reasons that in actuality, had absolutely nothing to do with you or your diabetes.
Most likely their parents didn’t understand the whole diabetes thing and children learn from their parents.
Maybe (and just as likely,) they had problems at home much greater than your 14 year old self ever imagined. Problems that were even bigger than your diabetes.
Problems like parents divorcing; eating disorders, sickness in their own families, and struggles within themselves that they shared with no one. Perhaps they suffered from such a poor self-image that picking on your visible imperfections helped them to ignore their own.

Instead of thinking that they might be right, know that they are wrong and are unhappy.
Ignore them and focus on the positive.

And stop wanting a nose job for god sakes! TRUST ME, you’ll grow into your nose and be grateful that you're not one of those poor people walking around with a minuscule nose on large featured face.


Kelly At 16: When someone compliments you, look them straight in the eye & with a smile on your face and say “Thank-you.” And regardless of whether you think you deserve or not.
A compliment is two fold. Yes, it’s given to make the receiver feel good, but it also makes the person giving the compliment feel good.
So don’t diminish or belittle a person's attempt to be nice and confident by brushing it aside and being embarrassed by the kind words said on your behalf.

And remember those compliments, they will get you through the self-doubt.

Listen, I know you don’t want to hear this, but shoulder pads and helmet hair are indeed a "Glamour Don’t," regardless of what Teen Magazine says.

And yes, your mom and was right - Bangs are not your best look, and iridescent lipstick might work for some, but is just makes you look sick.

Kelly at 20: You will be so happy you started with the whole 30 & 50 sunscreen thing, and your 7 year skin plan – TRUST ME. And FYI, the tan goddess bitch who called you "Casper' when you were dating her ex boyfriend – her face looks like a Catcher's mitt now.

Don’t try so hard to prove how normal you are “in spite” of being a person with diabetes.
You will realize that what’s normal for some, is completely abnormal for others, and that’s ok. What I’m trying to say is, your normal is different that someone else’s, and your normal works for you. So run with it!


Kelly in your 20’s: Embrace ALL of who you are.
Go after your dreams, instead of listening to what others think you should do or be.

22 year old Kelly: Remember to tell those you love, that you do indeed love them, no matter how much they might drive you crazy. The people you love won’t be around forever. And trust me, you will miss them terribly when they’re gone.

Kelly, good call regarding your parents. You will be incredibly grateful that you started to say “I love you” every time you said goodbye. They learned to say it back, and they began to say it first, and often. Soon, it flowed more freely than beer at a bbq - and all of you will know how deep the love really was, and is.

To 27 yr old Kelly: You are NOT fat, and no, you're not rail thin. But your parents were right, you are beautiful, inside and out! Please see that instead of only the imperfections.

I know that you're scared that history will repeat itself - it will not.
You're doing what you have to do, so put whatever mistakes you made with your diabetes in the past, and learn from them. It will not only lead you to good health – but to a wonderful world regarding the diabetes community. I world that you’ve tried to shut out instead of embracing for a very long time.

Let your guilt go regarding Debbie. You did the best you could.

To 33-year-old Kelly: Someone who has no love or self- respect for them self, will never have any for you – no matter what they say. If they don’t love, like, and respect who they are, they can’t love, like, & respect you.

Don’t surround yourself with people who won’t do the work on themselves, they’ll only blame you for what they lack from within.

Kelly in real time: Remember too keep loving yourself – all parts of you - even the parts that don't work.

Hold your head up, continue to learn, continue to laugh, and most definitely continue to love.
You are older and wiser. Life has been full of changes, and going with the flow gets a bit tricky at times, but you are lucky to be in the world, and the world is lucky to have you.

And lastly: You are MAGNIFICENT - And never forget that! 
Xoxo
Kelly In The Present~

Diabetes Memory #3,658,989: The One Where My New Therapist Totally Freaks Me Out - But In A Good Way~

Stories can conquer fear, you know. They can make the heart bigger.
Ben Okri 

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. 
For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward. 
Henry Ford 

So here's what happened after I posted my 2013 Goals/ Improvements & went to my first appointment with a therapist to talk about grief... And other stuff.  

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I picked up the phone and dialed the number my friend had given me over a year ago and a man with a laid back voice picked up & said: Hello, Dr. E. 

Me: Hi Dr. E, my name’s Kelly I’d like to make an appointment with you. 

Dr. E:  Hi Kelly. Why are you interested in making an appointment with me? 

Me: Well, I lost my mom last year and it’s caught up to me - And there's a good chance some other stuff has, too.

Dr. E:  OK, I have 5 p.m. cancellation tomorrow. Does that work for you? 

Me: I’ll take it - Do you need the rest of my info, like my last name, address and insurance info?

Dr. E:  Don’t worry about all that, I’ll get all your info tomorrow when you fill out your New Patient paperwork. 

Right now I just need your cell number.  

So I gave him my number and he gave me directions to his office. 

Cut to the next day at 4:45 pm, I was parked in front of his office and I was nervous, but very much wanting to walk in the door and get started. 

So I walked in and 5 minutes later I filling out my paperwork and meeting Dr. D. 

He read my paperwork and asked me how to pronounce my last name.  

I told him how to pronounce KUINK and that when in doubt, he just needed to make pretend the first K was a Q.  He smiled and said: Oh, that actually makes sense.

And then we started talking about what we both hoped to get from our sessions together. 

I told him I wanted to get past my grief and all the change I’d recently been through and get on a course for the life I want - And he wanted to help me do all of the above and whatever else we came up with in the process. 

Then we started to talk about my life and work and how crazy the past 15 months had been with losing my mom; being one of her executors, and selling her house, distributing her possessions and moving. 

He mentioned that grief comes in waves and sometimes those waves are bigger than others. 
We talked about my family and he asked me how many siblings I had and where I fell in the family lineup. 

So I told him I was the youngest of six and then I brought up diabetes and my family’s history of diabetes. 

He asked me how long I’d had diabetes and how grief can come from all types of loss, including the loss of a fully functioning pancreas. 

And then the blog came up. 

And that’s where things got a little weird - but in a good way. 

Dr. E told me that he’d actually read several diabetes blogs because a former patient from a few years back, a14 year old girl with Type 1 Diabetes, who’d had a lot of trouble dealing with her diabetes. So Dr. E had googled female diabetes bloggers and starting reading and printing up posts for her. 

Dr. E: I liked reading them... Some of them were really funny, all of them where really informative. What’s your blog called again?? 

Me: Diabetesaliciousness. 

Dr. E: Diabetesaliciousness, diabetesalicious.... Yeah, I know your blog. I actually read your blog. 

I printed out your blog posts - It’s very good. Kelly you had some funny stuff... And some posts that were just the opposite. 

Me: Whaaaaaaaaat? And I was so freaked out that I immediately cracked a joke and said: Oh, so you were the one reading it! 

But all jokes aside Dr, E, are you kidding me?

Dr. E:  No I’m not, your blog has a light green background, right? Seriously, keep on blogging, Kelly.
Me. Ok, this is totally awkward. How’s your patient doing?? 

Dr. E. I don’t know, she stopped seeing me last year. But she was doing better so that’s why she stopped coming. 

Me: Oh, OK. So that’s good, right? 

Dr. E:  Right.

Me: This world is freakishly small. 

And then I shook my head in disbelief and immediately changed the subject. 

As I was driving home afterwards, I kept thinking about how he'd actually read what I wrote a few years back and my mind was blown! 

I hadn’t given him my last name when I scheduled the appointment so it’s not like he googled me. I don't know if he knows Dr. Foot, but he didn't mention Dr. Foot, so who knows. And he didn’t seem like he was full of crap - he seemed like a really good guy. 

It just proved to me (yet again,) that the world we live in is smaller than we realize and that more and more doctors are reaching out to the patient blogoshere to help their patients help themselves when it comes too the day to day living with a chronic illness/disease. 

Anyway. I saw Dr. E again this week and he wanted to know more about me. 

He told me that he “really needed to get to know me” and asked me more detailed questions about my siblings; my parents, school, if I remembered my diabetes diagnoses, If I'd ever been in love, etc. 

Then he pointed out that I liked to crack jokes when the subject turned serious.

Dr. E: At your next appointment you’re going to talk to me about your mom.  

And as soon as he said it, I felt my eyes start to burn and a familiar catch in my throat and I had a feeling that my face was starting to turn red. But I took a deep breath and said, OK. 

So we scheduled our next appointment, shook hands and said goodbye. 

Appointment number 3 is scheduled and even though I’m nervous about what’s going to happen when I talk about my mom no holds barred, I’m really glad I’m doing this. 

Diabetes Memory #4,568: My First Day of High School & My Fear Of Being A Diabetes Freak

True Story: I attended school back in the day when 504 was just the area code for New Orleans~
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The first day of my freshman year of High School was a stressful one for all sorts of reasons.

Like most Freshman, I was nervous and scared of starting a new school chapter. 

I was starting  a new school that was much larger and bigger than my middle school & I was going to be low girl on the totem pole. 

It was the first time I ever had to wear a school uniform and I hated it. 

It was the first time I had to take a school bus and rumor had it that the upper class men made freshman newbies sing the school song on the bus and that alone made me scared. 

And let's face it, being 14 can suck. You're growing up and at least for me - the awkward adolescent stages lasted much longer then they should have. I was skinny with almost no curves and I wore glasses and my face hadn't quite caught up to the size of my nose. 

And then of course there was whole diabetes thing.

I was going to a new school where most of the students and teachers didn’t know about my diabetes. And yes, my parents had talked with the school nurse and and she’d met with all my teachers to make them aware of “my condition,” (and btw, I hate that term,) but high school was a new diabetes ball game entirely. 

For 6 years I’d been in a very small & progressive school system where everyone; teachers, students - even the janitors knew I had diabetes. It was an accepted fact and nobody treated me any differently. When I had to eat my snack in class, no one batted an eye. And when I had to treat a low, I could treat in class or excuse myself and go to the nurses office - no questions asked.

And for the most part, I was in comfortable in my grade and middle school’s diabetes bubble. 

The second class on my first day of High School was Freshman English, taught by Sister Katherine, a strict nun who loved the sound of her own voice.

I watched the clock as it ticked towards 10:15 a.m. ( the time I was supposed to eat my snack,) and I was starting to get really nervous. 

How was I going to pull this off? I had no desire to miss class and eat in the nurses office - And my parents would have been mortified at that thought.  I didn't want the sick kid label because I wasn't sick. 

My mom and dad always made it clear that if I had to eat, I had to eat.  And it didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. They strongly believed that snacks shouldn’t require a trip to the nurses office or the storage room, which is where my 5th grade teacher made me eat my snack, until I told my parents - But that’s for another post.

Anyway, back to Sister Katherine. I tried raising my hand to give her a heads up about having to eat, but she was in the middle of a speech on how all assignments handed in must be grammatically correct and didn’t want to be interrupted.

She looked at me and said: No questions until I’m finished!
And then she continued talking... and talking.. and talking.

And then it was 10:25 and I was super hungry, so I reached into my knapsack and pulled out a pear and started to eat it.

And Sister Katherine didn’t miss a beat. She ended her speech with something like: Regardless of the content or how good your writing sounds, your grade will go down a letter grade if you have more than 3 grammatical errors on a paper. And then without skipping a beat, she crouched down at my desk, (I'd been assigned a seat was in the front row,) looked me square in the eye and said: And why are you eating a pear in my class? 

Me: I’m allowed to.

Sister Katherine: No, I don’t think you are - We eat in the cafeteria, not in my classroom.

Me: I have diabetes -  I have to eat. The school nurse had a meeting with my teachers - Didn’t you attend? 

Sister Katherine: Ahh, yes... You’re the one.

Me: Yep, I’m the one.

Sister Katherine: Well, I would have appreciated a heads-up. You should have reminded me at the beginning of class.

Me: Sister Katherine, I did try and tell you.

Sister Katherine: Continue with your snack, but I won’t tolerate any class disruptions because of your food requirements. By all means, eat whenever you have to but don’t make a big production of it. 

And then she continued to wax poetic about dangling participles and the likes there of 

and I was completely mortified. Even though I did what I had to and didn’t back down, I was afraid of what everyone else would think. 

I didn’t know most of these kids and now I was going to be the Diabetes Freak of the freshman class.

Then I looked over to my left and saw a student give me the thumbs up sign - And I didn’t know him - And I think I smiled and winked back at him. And then I looked over to my right and the girl next to me was smiling at me - And I didn’t know her either!  

And at that moment I knew that my diabetes wouldn’t define me as the Diabetes Freak  as far as my classmates were concerned. 

It doesn't mean I wasn't a freak and or geek, because I think I was - But not because of my diabetes.
And looking back, I wish I'd been able to stick up for myself in other areas of my High School life the way I stuck up for my broken pancreas. Kids in High School can be mean, especially girls - And especially when they feel threatened. #truth
But that's for another post entirely.

Did you have any fears about being the Diabetes Freak in your school? If so, how'd you handle it? 

Diabetes Memory #12,113,099: The One Where My A1C Goes Down Half A Point, So Why Was Stressing?

So yesterday was my Endo appointment with the glorious, fantastical, and genius Dr. J. 

I’d cancelled my February appointment and hadn’t seen him since the fall. 

At that visit my A1c had been 7.4 and I was nervous. I wanted my A1C to go down and just as important, I wanted ALL my numbers to be good -  Including liver; kidneys, and cholesterol.

The past 7 months have been crazy as you all know, and filled with ridiculous amount of change. 

My mom died, I had the giant task of handling her estate and all that went with it. 

Dealing with distribution of assets, and putting her house and things on the market  - two subjects I have a really tough time talking about, let alone writing about.  But I will say  it was incredibly hard, very emotional and it down right sucked! 

Plus, I had to deal with my own shit regarding my life, my work, not to mention my diabetes.  5 weeks ago I moved and then flew out to California 3 days later.  Came home 4 days later and  closed on my mother’s house 7 days later, which closed the door forever on my childhood home - And that was pretty rough indeed.

So  yeah, the past 7 months have been whirlwind - And not in the good way. 

But now I can focus 100% on myself and my work and my life. And that’s a weird feeling because it seems like forever since I’ve been able to do that. 

And I am doing that, and things are going well for the most part. But there’s a part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop - And thats got to stop. Because by waiting for something bad to happen, I can’t fully enjoy all the good that’s happening to me. 
Wait, what was the point of this post again?? 

ANYWAY, I was surprised when Dr. J told me that my A1C had dropped by 1/2 a point and that all my numbers were normal. 

ME: REALLY? 

Dr. J: YEAH, REALLY.

Me: What about my liver function? 

Dr. J. Completely normal.
Me: What about my thyroid numbers? 

Dr. J: Kel-Lee (that’s how he pronounces my name, and I love it) they are normal, completely in range.

Me: What about cholesterol?? 

Dr. J: GREAT.

Me: They told me out front my blood pressure was slightly higher than normal.

Dr. J: Yeah, that’s because stressing about being here - Kel-lee, that always happens to you. you ALWAYS get nervous when they weigh you, test your sugar and blood pressure. Then you sit in the exam room, calm down, we chat, I take it again and it’s normal. DON”T WORRY.

Me: Maybe they shouldn’t weigh us first  - that should be last. Public weigh-ins really add to the pressure - know what I mean? 

Dr. J:  I'll make a note of that.  Kel- lee with all the stress you’ve had, your A1C has gone down 1/2 a point and your other numbers are great. Plus you managed to keep 10 out of 13 pounds off that you lost when your mom was sick. 

So if you can do all that when your stress levels are high, imagine what you can do when you don't have those stress factors. You are in the home stretch regarding this whole estate and you are doing fantastic. You should be so proud of all you've done despite what happened - Give yourself some credit!  BUT  with that being said: According to my notes, we MUST look at new pump options - Yours is well past its warranty - And that fact is stressing me out!!! 

Me:  You know I have commitment issues. Honestly, I just don't feel like one more changing one more thing in my life.

Dr. J: You are going to make some pump very happy! And we have to deal with this - like now. 

And then we laughed an talked more about pumps and cgms and we just talked person to person, not Doctor to patient -  And he never once looked at the clock. 

Then we said our goodbyes and I scheduled my next  appointment and walked around the city for a bit. 

And I thought of all the good things that had happened to me in the past few weeks - And I really tried to focus on being grateful and happy and content - And I was grateful and happy and content that I had been lucky enough to find him as my Endo all those years ago. 

And then I posted my A1C on Facebook via my iPhone and had an awesome amount of comments/ thumbs-up regarding my 7.0 status. Something like 75. 

And all those "thumbs-ups" and kind words  made me feel loved and happy and filled with hope - And those are wonderful things to feel - So thanks DOC - from the bottom of my imperfect pancreas!