Slate.Com : With Diabetes, "Even" Little Words Matter

This post started out as a post about the disgusting Mylan epi-pen price increase and how it mirrors the insulin prices increases, but then it turned into an article about Slate.com’s diabetes headline from yesterday, because the word "even" in the article title rubs me the wrong way.

I’m still working on the epi-pen article - and neither post is an Insulin verses Epi-pen article. Nope - both diseases are life threatening, both medications save lives and both price increases are appalling and I'm enraged at the eli pen price increase. 
WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER.
Today’s post is about words - specifically the word “EVEN.” 
And how even little words can negate a price increase and add to diabetes stigma. 
#######
Yesterday, Slate.com ran an article with the headline: Good Lord, Even The Price of Insulin Is Skyrocketing.

Yep Slate, this is nothing new. 
The price of insulin has been skyrocketing for years -I now pay more for insulin than I did back in 1997 and more than my parents did when I was diagnosed way back in 1977. 
 Insulin is also a life saving drug, but nobody except those living with diabetes seems to care about the continual price increases. 

The Diabetes Online Community has been writing about about the high cost of diabetes for years - including the ridiculousness that is the ever increasing cost of insulins. 
Check out HERE, HERE, and HERE for a small sample of DOC voices on the subject.
Recently, the DOC has rallied behind #diabetesaccessmatters, because you bet your sweet ass it does.

Thank you, thank-you, thank-you  for featuring the insulin price increases in your publication. 
But,and of course there's a but. 

BUT what's with using the word "even" in your title? 
Using the word “even” in your title re: skyrocketing insulin prices detracts from the impact that those stratospheric price increases have on every single person living with diabetes who struggle to pay those skyrocketing prices in order to stay alive. 
Sidebar: You might say semantics, but not just my POV, btw. 

The word “even” lessens the struggle that millions of people living with diabetes are going through daily in order to pay for the insulin they/we require order to live. 

Diabetes is not cheap - and today it's more expensive than ever.

Wuestion: Would you have used the word “even,” to describe price increases for diseases such as crohn’s, life threatening allergies, or cancers? 
Nope, I don’t believe you would, so why is OK to use that word and in that context when describing the price increase of drugs for a group of diseases (type 1 diabetes, type 1.5, type 2 diabetes,) that millions and millions of people live with?

Not OK and here’s why. 

1. By using the word “even,” you’re subconsciously adding to diabetes shaming and adding to the stigma associated with diabetes. 

Being diagnosed with diabetes is often perceived as a character flaw, so maybe for some people reading your article, it might be considered OK for those of us who need insulin to stay alive, to pay a little more. 
It’s not OK.
Diabetes is not a character flaw - diabetes is hard fucking work and I haven’t had a vacation from my t1 diabetes in well over 3 decades. 
I’ve lived with diabetes longer than I haven't and diabetes accompanied me from third grade until I graduated from college and every day since. 
Diabetes was with me as I watched my favorite sister get married, went with me on my first date, stumble along side me through my first sexual experience and every one since. 
Diabetes has been my traveling companion to a dozen countries and at least 15 states. 

 Diabetes has made the move with me to different states; stood by me as I buried both my parents, discovered the Diabetes Online Community, and sat in the third row with me when my niece made her Broadway debut.
Type 1 Diabetes took the life of my older sister Debbie and broke my parents heart in the process. 
Diabetes has made me feel guilty and diabetes has me saying I'm sorry, even when I am anything but. 
Diabetes been the longest relationship I’ve ever had - braking up with diabetes is not an option at this time because there is no cure for my type 1 diabetes. 

Don’t even get me started on Diabetes Burnout!

Speaking of cure, the use of the word “even,” makes my disease seem less cure worthy and in actually, has the potential to lessen funds raised to find the D cure. 

But back to diabetes day to day - and the shear cost of living with diabetes. 
I know people with diabetes (type 1, t1.5, and type 2,) who can’t afford the cost of their insulin, or other medications, test strips, and diabetes durable medical equipment (insulin pumps, CGMs,) and play Russian roulette with their health every month because they’ve either run out of their meds/supplies before their prescriptions are due to be filled.
Or worse, they don’t have insurance and go without out because they’ve run out of money.  
Unfortunately, diabetes is not the same disease every day - some days you require more insulin, some days you require less. Sometimes you need to check your blood sugars 10 times a day, other times 7 will suffice. 
But if you live with diabetes, you're lucky if your insurance will pay for 5 test strips a day. And if you have diabetes and are on medicare - you only get 3 test strips covered per day. 
Did I mention that test strips are the litmus tests that people with diabetes use (as well as CGMS - but that a whole other insurance ball of wax for another post,) use to monitor their blood sugars and measure out their insulin. 
Insulin can kill if you admisister too much or too little - so YES, checking blood sugar is CRUCIAL AND EXPENSIVE.
Speaking of insurance - people with diabetes  (PEOPLE WITH ANY ILLNESS,) spend more time arguing with their insurance company over denials, mistakes, and fighting for lifesaving medications and procedures. 

So Slate, when you use the word “even” in your title, you aren’t doing PWD (people with diabetes,) a favor- because the majority of the public already think it’s our fault we have diabetes.  
Nobody, no matter the diabetes type, deserves to be treated any less than with respect because of their diabetes status. 

If you want more info regarding what it’s really like to live with diabetes, ask the thousands of people in the Diabetes Online Community who will be willing to share what it’s really like to live with diabetes - step by step, deductible by deductible, crazy ass high co-pay by co-pay. 

Lastly Slate, you’re a HUGE publication and online presence - and a great one.
I read your site daily and I learn and laugh from your posts. 
 Your words, even small ones have power, so please use them wisely. 

#DBlogWeek Day 2: The Other Half Of Diabetes.

The 2nd day of #dblogweek ( I'm a day behind, it's really day 3- don't tell,) and it's all about the other half of diabetes, aka, emotions.

This post is focusing on one particular emotion and it's called GUILT. 
And please forgive the fuzziness & lack of text - I just had surgery.

Stop The #Dstigma & Run With The Diabetes Advocacy

There’s been a lot of talk about the stigma associated with diabetes as of late, a.k.a. #dstigma. On June 15th there was a PFDC, Johnson & Johnson twitter chat moderated by #DSMA discussing DStigma at this year's ADA that addressed the subject head on. 
Diatribe put together a great Storyify re: the #dstigma panel discussion they participated/presented on last week at FFL & why we need to discuss it.
I was helping in another FFL session so I missed this & I'm so grateful that Diatribe storified the session!
And #dstigma was brought up multiple times in regards to #DiabetesAdvocacy last week during Diabetes Hands Foundation's #MasterLab at #CWDFFL14.
Speaking of #Masterlab - Diatribe breaks down the #Masterlab via Storify, HERE.  
And Kim has a great #Masterlab debrief today over at Textingmypancreas.com and so does Sue over @ Diabetes Ramblings ~
And the following is my 2 cents on the subject~
#########
I Googled the word “stigma, and this was the first thing that came up: 

Sound familiar?

Add a “d” or the word diabetes in front of the word 'stigma' to the definitions above & you’ve got #Dstigma. 

Look, none of us should feel shame because we have diabetes - but we do. 

All of us living with diabetes and regardless of the type, shouldn't feel disgraced because we bear the scarlet letter, D. But we do. 

None of us should feel that we’ve dishonored ourselves or our families - but we do. 

No PWD should feel Ignominy & opprobrium (OK, I’ll admit that I had to look both of those words up), but we do. Ignominy means public shame or disgrace & opprobrium means  harsh criticism or centure. Sound familiar? It should because I know that we’ve all felt shame, discraced or centured  - A.K.A.: Why are you checking your blood sugar in public?!” 
All you need to do take a look at how diabetes is presented in the media 90% of the time and you’ll feel shame and disgrace - Not to mention anger. 

And none of us should feel like we've we’ve failed because our pancreases and metabolisms have - But we absolutely do.
 And none of us should feel humiliated by our diabetes and what our diabetes requires us to do - but there are moments when we've all felt that.

How many times have we said “I’m sorry” to the people we love because our diabetes is behaving badly - even when we do everything right? 
And how crappy does always feeling like we have to apologize for our diabetes feel? 

The diabetes guilt and the #Dstigma it causes is an anchor around all of our necks, one that many of us have become so accustomed to wearing that we actually forget it’s there - But it drags us down none the less.  

And even if you’re not familiar with mythology, each of us can relate to Atlas, the man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders for eternity, because we continually carry the weight of diabetes on our shoulders for what seems like an eternity. 
We perpetually find ourselves playing the role of  defense with diabetes and #dstigma - And it wears us down and beats us up on a daily basis - If we let it. 
There’s dstigma within our own community - the us verses them when it comes to type 1 verses type 2 and acknowledging that LADA 1.5’s exist. 

Here’s the thing: Every single person living with diabetes  or loving and or caring for a person with diabetes is part of the same Diabetes Family Tree, no matter the type. 
Regardless of the type, we are all part of the same D Tree - Just difference branches. 
And if we’re going advocate for diabetes and elevate #dstigma  successfully, then we must stop with the #dstigma within our own community. 

We need to unify and act as one community. 

We must work together and use our powers collectively as Diabetes Advocates to create real change on all levels re: the public, private and governments perceptions of diabetes and what living with diabetes entails.  

WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER.

Lastly, if you want to stop #dstigma, educate others and advocate for real change,  

then embrace the KISS of Diabetes Advocacy , a'la Christel!
ALSO: #RockOn

#dblogweek Day 3: The Diabetes Stuff That Brings Me Down

May is Mental Health Month and today's #Dblogweek topic is: What Brings Me Down
What brings me down when it comes to diabetes. I could write chapters about this subject. Instead, I'm keeping it short and simple and to the point~ 
And props to Scott @ Strangely Diabetic for the topic & his passion on the subject!
### 

What brings me down about Diabetes? 

LOTS. 

Diabetes Burnout that comes from the 24X7 never ending of it all.  
The continual blood sugar testing, the counting of carbs, the anxiety of Endo and eye appointments, the diabetes guilt that creeps up and then into my heart just when I think I'm passed it. 
The worry of both the present and the future and thinking about those I’ve loved lost to diabetes - ALL OF IT.  

My Diabetes Burnout comes in waves - And not always when you’d expect. 
Sometimes it happens when I’m packing for a trip and my diabetes supplies takes up more more room then it has a right.
Other times it happens right on queue - Like when it’s 2 a.m. and I have to be up at 6 & my blood sugar refuses to go down, even after 4 correction boluses and 2 site changes. 
The same can be said about my blood sugar refusing to stay up - even after lowering my temporary basal rate twice and downing 4 juice boxes in three hours and a fist full of glucose tabs.  
In those moments of exhaustion and fear tears sting my eyes and I physically and mentally feel like crap and it's sometimes it's hard rid myself of the diabetes muck. 

And there are days when I cry for those I’ve loved and lost to diabetes. People like my sister, my father, my two aunts and one of my best friends from D camp who passed away last year.  

I think about them everyday - And there are days when the memory of them makes me smile and laugh.  Other days I cry for them and feel their loss profoundly. 
And on those days I also cry for me Argentina, because I’m afraid of suffering like they did. 
And speaking of those diabetes folks I've loved and lost, I can't forget our DOC friends who are no longer here and the appearance of blue candles on Facebook.


And on the days when diabetes gets me down - It’s the Diabetes Online Community that pulls me up - Through blog posts, Instagram pictures, tweets, Facebook messages, texts or phone calls - And I am very grateful indeed~ 

#DBlogWeek: Changing The World & Changing Ourselves~

I lost my original day one of #Dblogweek Advocacy post this afternoon, thanks to technical difficulties on my work computer had to from scratch when I got home a little over an hour ago. Actually, I didn't have to start from scratch - But by the time I got home I didn't want to go with my original post & wrote this one instead.
###


I started my diabetes blog because I wanted to bust diabetes myths and perpetuate diabetes realities in Hollywood and the media - And I still do. 

I pick up the phone or write emails whenever I see Hollywood or the media perpetuating a diabetes myth and I encourage every single one of you to do the same thing. 

But through the act of being an active participant in my community, I realized that there was more to my D advocacy than just busting D myths -

The DOC reinforced the fact that no act of advocacy was too big or too small and that one-on-one conversations were just as important as mass efforts.

The Diabetes Online Community showed me that when you receive support in all dimensions including diabetes, you want to give support in all dimensions~

And blogging made me realize something I'd never realized about myself before. 
Turns out , I’d been walking with an anchor of diabetes guilt around my neck for decades and I didn’t even know it -And that diabetes Guilt is a very real thing and has the potential to prevent everyone of us from being and seeing our best selves.

And once I realized that I’d been carrying that D guilt around me, I didn’t want anyone else to feel isolated or alone or guilty for having a busted pancreas or faulty metabolism. 

I don’t want another person to waste time thinking that they don’t deserve the best life.

I didn't want another person living with diabetes to feel alone or broken or unworthy. 

The Diabetes Online Community and Diabetes Advocacy taught me that busted pancreases and faulty metabolisms can make us weaker or they can make us stronger and more resiliant- The choice is OURS. 
The DOC continues to show me that having a community beside you, with you and sometimes carrying you, makes the choice so much easier. 

The Diabetes Online Community has given me the gifts of community, a D voice, diabetes hope that floats, and a passion for diabetes advocacy that has helped me brake free of the chains of diabetes guilt & empowered me and continues to empower me every damn day of my life and my life with diabetes. 

And I want help others to have Dhope and feel empowered in their life with diabetes and break the chains of diabetes guilt that hold them back from being the most amazing versions of themselves~ 

Diabetes Complications & Judging One Another~

For the record, I love D moms and dads - I LOVE THEM -And I learn from them every single day. 
Also: You never know what a person is carrying around with them - diabetes or not - so leave your judgment at the door and keep your heart filled with empathy and compassion. 
######
I was talking to a DParent I’d literally just met minutes earlier while attending a friend of a friend’s get-together a few weeks back. We’d been chatting for all of about 16 minutes when DParent said something like: Well.. You don’t have any D complications... do you?? 
I mean you took care of yourself....You did what you were supposed too...Right? 

And in that moment my heart hurt so much I thought it would break.
It wasn't the first time a person (or a D parent - or a person with diabetes for that matter,) had said those very same words. But no matter who says it, it hurts to hear if you've been in the diabetes game for decades - And the D judgement from your own, even when it's unintentional pierces your heart and puts you on the defensive. 

I was simmering and I didn't want it to boil over to the surface, nor did I want to flip my Diabetes Bitch Switch. 
I didn't want to fight, especially with one of 'my own." 
I’d just met DParent. I couldn’t even remember her last name - And I probably would have answered her question if I hadn't felt it was dripping with diabetes judgement - And I knew that she didn't hear the judgement in her own words.

I wasn't just mad at the question. I was mad at my 14 year old self for sins committed long ago, when I blamed my sister Debbie for her diabetes complications and her alcohol issues. 
I was mad at my 20 something self and her skewed view of people with type2 diabetes that was less then kind and understanding.

And I was mad at myself for what I could and or should have done in my own diabetes past. 

Knowing what I know now about diabetes in all dimensions, diabetes and depression and diabetes burnout verses what I knew then brings all sorts of emotions and D guilt to the table.
I took a deep breath, looked D Parent in the eye and calmly asked: Why do you think that people with D complications didn’t try their best with the tools they had at the time?
Seriously, would you think less of me as person if I told you I did have D complications than if I didn’t?
D Parent: Well.... It’s just that people with diabetes comp…. 

And I stopped her right there. 

Me: It’s not so easy to scrutinize someone with diabetes complications when you take a look at the history of treating diabetes. 
When I was growing up,(and pre - me for that matter,) in the Diabetes Dark Ages, we didn’t have technology like meters and cgms to manage our blood sugars, we tested urine. 
Insulin pumps were neither precise nor compact and they weren’t covered by insurance or available to the masses. Sliding insulin scales, like glucose meters were relatively new (don’t even get me started on accuracy issues,) and there were only 3 insulins on the market when I was initially diagnosed. 
I reminded D Parent that the diabetes diet back in the day was incredibly restrictive and how all of the above made living with diabetes hard - And that it was still hard - even with all the flexibility that today’s D diets have.
And that sometimes that even D technology in all it’s glory makes diabetes even harder to deal with mentally. 

And then I continued rambling and said that in the Diabetes Dark Ages, nobody treated the mental side of diabetes - And no one considered the mental toll diabetes took on a person with diabetes or their loved ones. 
Diabetes Burnout, like diabetes itself and all its forms, was (and by those that are uneducated, ) was and still is, considered a lazy man’s disease and a cop-out. 

And that genetics and sheer dumb luck also comes into play with diabetes and complications.

Me: Honestly DP, don’t we get enough judgement from people who don’t live with diabetes? We shouldn’t judge one another when it comes to diabetes, regardless of the type or the diabetes complications. It isn’t PWDs (people with diabetes) sans complications verses PWDs with complications. 
We have to help one another, not judge one another for what we did or didn’t do in the past. We have to focus on what we are doing now to help our future.

And then I took a breath and D Parent looked at me with glassy eyes and apologized. 

DParent told me that she’d never considered all of the above. She was less than 3 years into her son’s life with diabetes and that most of what she’d been told about D complications blamed the PWD or the parents of the PWD and that she was still learning - And that it was hard and that she was scared. 
And her words allowed me to look at her with new eyes - And myself. 
I gave DParent a hug and told her that even with 36 years in, I was still learning too. 
And that my D passion might easily be mistaken for judgement - And I really hoped that wasn't the case, but if she felt at all judged,I was sorry and that she was doing a great job and to hang in there. 

 And then we smiled at one one another as we held each others hands. 
Then the talk turned to the snack spread and guessing the bolus for the spicy hot-wing dip, which eventually led to talk of the DOC and before we knew it an hour had gone by. 
In the end we both left the party with new perspectives and new lessons tucked in our hearts and our heads -  And with a new friend's digits in our smartphones~   

Of Temporary Basal Rates, Burgers, Bread Baskets & Friends Who Worry~

I met up with a large group of friends at a new bar/restaurant a few weeks back, and the minute I walked in the joint and saw the 8 inch high burgers( insert sex/meat joke here. Also, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, ) and Belgium fries pass by on the server's tray,  I started a temporary basal rate of 30% - Because I was going to need it! 

More and more people were arriving and our party was getting better. We went from a table of eight, to 3 tables for 16+ people and we hadn't even placed our food orders yet. 

So a few of us that wanted to get on with the business of ordering decided to go ahead and order & get a separate check for the 5 of us. 

And I casually mentioned that I was on an increased temporary basal rate in anticipation of the burgers and didn't feel like waiting an hour before I placed ordered because: 

1. I was hungry

2. I was hungry and I didn't feel like waiting

3. I had taken extra insulin via my amped up temp basal rate.   

And that would be when my 2 friends immediately started to worry in stereo.

Friend A: Do you need food, because I could go grab some bread.

Me: No, I'm fine. My blood sugar was 170 when I tested a few minutes ago, I'm great!

Friend B: Are you sure? I could get you some orange juice. 

Me: Thanks, but honestly, not a big deal. Also, I have glucose tabs (Cherry Glucolift to be exact,) just in case.

Friend B: Here- I have a cough drop - it has sugar in it. 

Me: My cold is almost gone, but thanks.

Friend B: Not for your cold, for your blood sugar. 

Me: Oh... Ok. Honestly though, I'm not hungry, but thanks.

And then I took the cough drop from her hand and ate it, even though I really didn't want to, because I thought it would make my friend feel better. 

Small chit chat followed and Friend A excused herself and 5 minutes later she came back with a basket filled with hot bread and butter. 

Friend A: Hey - I got bread from the waitress.

Me - feeling guilty: I'm fine & you really didn't have to do that. I'm getting a burger and fries, I shouldn't eat bread, but thanks.
Sidebar: Turning down bread is so damn hard!

Friend A: I got it for me, not you. 

Me: OK, cool. But thanks anyway. Also, I know you got it for '"us," emphasis on "me." 

Friend A: I can't help it, I worry about you. 

Friend B: It's just how we are - we love you - we don't want you to go low or get sick .

The 3 of us had been friends since college, they'd known my sister Debbie and they were good to her. And there were days when they could deal with her being sick better than I could. These women (they were sisters,)  loved my parents and my family and I consider them family. 

And their concern made me grateful, happy and slightly sad all rolled into one. 

I was incredibly grateful for my wonderful friends. 

I was happy because having said wonderful friends who get and accept you - regardless of your busted pancreas are more precious than gold. 

And I was a slightly sad because I was the one who was making my friends worry - And I that made me feel slightly guilty. 

15 minutes later and 10 minutes before my burger arrived, I bolused for my food, including two slices of dinner roll. Not because I wanted to and not because I had to, but because the diabetes guilt was creeping in and I could tell that my friends were still a bit anxious.
And lets be honest, turning down bread is not an easy thing to do - AND IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE. AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!  

Diabetes guilt or not, good friends are gifts - And I am one lucky duck, indeed. 

Art Inspires And Teaches - And That's Exactly What You Do As A Person Living With Diabetes~

This post came directly from and was inspired by, a twitter conversation last night with @xXLovelyLizXx, @betespora , @lesscheid & CelticAncient - And  Kerri's post from today. 

#####

Here's the thing - don't let anyone make you feel inferior because of your diabetes.

It doesn't fly when people make you feel small, or embarrassed or ashamed because of your busted pancreas and or faulty metabolism. 

It's not acceptable when people blame you for your diabetes and all that comes with it, including complications - And it's not acceptable when we let them.

But lets face it, it's incredibly easy to let others blame us because we blame ourselves all the time - even when we know how hard we try and how far we've come - Diabetes guilt is hard to shake.

You are not broken or second best - far from it. And honestly, I know how easy it is to feel broken and second best - I've been there.  And as long as I'm being all honest, sometimes I'm still there - we all are - That's why we're part of the Diabetes Online Community. 

You are a person with a different definition of normal and more challenges than most... And your strength and determination rivals Atlas. And you my friend are doing what you need to in order to carve a place for yourself in this thing called life..... and life with diabetes.

And life with diabetes isn't a cake walk - Total pun intended. 

Life with diabetes is hard and complicated in all dimensions and It's unrelenting. 

So the next time someone, be it stranger or a well meaning friend, makes you feel bad because of your diabetes and all that comes with it, or shoots you a dirty look when you're about to take your blood sugar or shot at the table - Remember that it's their problem, not yours. 

And for the record, everyone is different when it comes to bolusing or testing at the table - And that's OK. But no one should be ashamed or embarrassed because someone else is making you feel that way - that's their issue - Try your damndest not to make it yours. 

And don't ever deny the world the amazing and individual piece of art that is you.

Art inspires and teaches - and that's exactly who you are and what you do every single day (good days and bad days) as a person living with diabetes~ 

Vlog Post: Dr. Electrode - STOP JUDGING ME

I'm not a perfect person and I'm not a perfect person living with diabetes - But that doesn't mean you have the right to judge me or make me feel guilty because I have Diabetes..

So I tried to vlog about Dr. Electrode and being judged last week - And for some ungodly reason what should have taken 15 minutes with iMovie took 2+ hours (1:50 with apple support,) and the damn videos still wouldn't synch up!

But after reading Melissa Baland Lee's beautiful and truthful post about the word COMPLICATION over at SweetlyVoiced.com (READ IT,)I was inspired to attempt this vlog post again in PhotoBooth. 

The vlog post is far from perfect (there might be some rambling) and I am by no means the perrfect diabetes patient or video editor for that matter, but it's how I feel!

#####

Dear Diabetes Guilt

Dear Diabetes Guilt:

You’ve been with me and by my side almost daily since my diagnosis.

I first experienced you when I looked into my parents’ eyes when I was dx'd and saw the sadness that was looking back at me. 
I was child number 6, diabetic child number 3.

My diagnoses hurt my parents so much. 
All I could say was “I’m sorry,” and then I did my best to make them laugh.

The guilt was next me as I snuck Christmas Cookies from the freezer and blamed the cookies disappearance on my sister- child number 3, diabetic child number 2.

Diabetes, your guilt made a 10 year old little girl run laps around the block to burn off contraband Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

You were beside me as I'd steal pastries from my friends kitchen and eat them in the bathroom so no one would see.

Diabetes guilt (and the look of disappointment and fear in my parents eyes) made me lie to them regarding my urine testing and blood sugar results.

It wasn’t the high numbers I was afraid of- it was making my parents sad, scared and angry that made my 11-year-old self fudge my numbers.

I'd cry when my Endo told me I wasn't trying hard enough. 
I was 13 and doing my best.

Wanting a few cookies every now and then shouldn't have equated a trip to confession and 13 "Hail Mary's".

In high school you mocked me to be part of the crowd - but I couldn't ignore diabetes.

Between the hell that was high school and being a PWD, it was a long 4 years.

In college I felt your guilt daily. 

I wanted too fit in and be “normal, ” and having diabetes was a foreign routine on campus.

I used my humor to win friends and they accepted both diabetes and me, as is.

I flourished with friends and success.

Your guilt didn’t just affect me-It damaged my family as a whole.

Diabetes guilt cursed my sister- She strived for normalcy – which eluded her because back in the diabetes dark ages, normal was never an option.

I felt diabetes guilt because my sister with diabetes was dying and I was angry with both her and the world.

I didn’t understand how sick she was or how much the guilt of diabetes drove her down a self-destructive path.

I just knew she was sick and that I spent so many of much of my high school and college years taking care of her with my parents.

I didn’t understand and am gutted and ashamed to admit now, but I blamed her for not taking better care of herself.

I was a kid, she was 15 years older than me, and I didn’t understand what a restrictive world she and her diabetes were brought up in until I was well into adulthood.

If my other sister (child number 1, diabetic number 1) could live a good life and have three healthy sons, why couldn't she?

I felt diabetes guilt for not always understanding, and for always being fearful that it could have been me.

I wanted to be a full time college student. 
Not a full time college student who was a PWD and a caretaker as well.

Even thought we fought as only siblings can, I never thought that diabetes complications would actually kill her.

I felt guilt for not having patience and for not always being kind.

My diabetes guilt stood beside me as I gave her eulogy.

I felt your guilt whenever people spoke of how much my sister suffered.

I felt your guilt whenever I got my own test results back.

I felt your guilt in my mid twenties when I was scared into becoming a good patient.

In my mid twenties and early thirties I worked hard on my diabetes management and had the numbers to prove it.

But still, your guilty presence made me want to apologize all the time- even when I was doing nothing wrong.

When I contemplated a cupcake, I felt guilty. Even when I tested, counted crabs, and bolused accordingly.

I apologized whenever my numbers would go up or down for no apparent reason.

I became defensive whenever a friend would ask: Kel, should you eat that?

I’d feel guilty that I don’t excise enough and I’d feel guilty when I exercised to much and would run low because I’d miscalculated my temporary basal rate.

Over the past 15 years I’ve learned to only concentrate on one number at a time.

I owe that attitude (in part) to you.

Because I became so tired of having you as a companion and a partner in my diabetes management.

So I’ve learned (and am still learning every day) to let go of you.

I accept that you exist and I will admit that you’ve done some good.

But I’m tired of having you as the anchor I wear around my neck.

So, I've removed you from my world on a daily basis - and while you still make your presence known from time to time, I no longer say I’m sorry for being a human with Diabetes.

I've lifted your anchor of guilt, hitched up my sails in the wind, and let my diabetes flag fly!

I have my good numbers and the not.

I have great labs, and some not so great, from time to time.

But I always try, and try again.

When I fall off the diabetes wagon, I get up and get back on.

Instead of anchoring on to the guilt, I use those numbers and results as a GPS in my diabetes management.

I take it one number at a time and I always do my best.

I own my diabetes, diabetes doesn't own me.

I’m still sorry that diabetes exists in the world.

But I am no longer sorry for being a person with Diabetes.