Stuff: Blogging, Exercising, May Is National Mental Health Month, CGMing, GoT

Yep, it's been a while since I've posted. 
My excuses: Things have been slightly crazy, I needed to regroup, one week of not blogging quickly turned into multiple and  accompanied by a wicked case of "what the hell do I write about/didn't I already write about that a million times already?! 
Because after blogging for almost 12 years about life with diabetes - sometimes I'm afraid "I've said and or written about that already." But you know what? Everyone who blogs about diabetes feels that way from time to time - and that's OK. 

After taking a short sabbatical - I'm back writing on the blog about my life and my life with diabetes! 

What's New? 
Lots: I've started exercising and thank God because I'm out of practice and I absolutely think better when I'm moving. 

Work has been active - lots of stuff going on and on the horizon  - I am both glad and thankful. 

It's May, which means it's National Mental Health Month. With that being said, I started seeing a therapist in March - because while I was going through the motions of my life, 
I was missing Olivia terribly at the end of the day and I was sad. 
I'm sharing because talking to someone is helping me deal with the trauma of losing my niece Olivia in January - and it's making me stronger in all areas of my life. 
If you're dealing with any form of stress, anxiety, or trauma - including diabetes burnout or grief - go talk to and with a professional.
Seriously - talk with someone - you are worth it! 

Is That  A CGM On Your Arm... Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? 
The answer is BOTH. 
I LOVE seeing you - you look great! And and yeah... I started wearing a CGM (Dexcom G6) in March because my Dr. and I need to make tweaks - I've committed to wearing it for at least 3 months. 
I was supposed to start in January, but Livy passed and I didn't feel like dealing with the learning curve while heading out west for her funeral. February I was bogged with assignments and starting on the Dex was pushed back into March.  

Initial Observations
Graphs have the potential to make you effing crazy!
I believe that people must be trained  on the anxiety that watching your graph can cause. Knowledge is great  - but so is realizing that when you/your loved one eat... or have a cold... are stressed... or just because it's Tuesday, your graph can and will go up. 

Also and I kid you not, we need to step away from the graph after a correction bolus. 
I knew all of the above before wearing a CGM  - and I was still looking at it way to much in the beginning!

CGM alarms are wicked loud.

Compression Low bgs are a thing - As in your CGM Low alarm goes off and reads 59, and you just ate lunch 40 minutes ago and you feel absolutely fine, do a fingerstick check. 
Because Compression Lows (unknowingly pushing against the sensor or sleeping/leaning on it can cause it to read low (at least according to my multiple friends and my CDE,) are real and they happen. Of course I learned about Compression Lows  after treating for said 59 low that really wasn't. HELLO 200! 

On the flip side - I barely felt a 53 low a few days ago that caused my alarm to go off.... at least until I did. It was real and I knew it! 

I'm more mindful of grazing since slapping on a CGM. That's a good thing. 

It's interesting to see how quickly certain foods impact your blood sugar via a graph.
It's equally as interesting and annoying to see how some foods seem to flat arrow for an hour or two and then spike towards the sky for a good three or four hours.
Ahhhh.... Good times..... good times. 

My graph was elevated the week before my period - I always knew this to be true - seeing it on a graph was trippy. 

Watching Game of Thrones absolutely impacts my blood sugars! 
Or at least I'm blaming GoT... and the Show Runners and Writers of GoT.
During last night's finale my bgs were running low. 
The previous weeks, not so much - especially when that ass of a Night King and his army hit Winterfell - I was topping 306 by the time that episode ended! 

Graph during the battle of Winterfell and dinner was not crazy high in carbs.
Also: Changed out my Omnipod site the next day (as in 1 day early,) b/c it was getting skunky.
So yeah, site starting to crap out might have had something to do with my elevated graph.
Whatever, I blame the Night King!

Graph during GoT finale.
I might have over bolused for my big tuna salad.
But the sucky writing certainly didn't help!
Also: Why'd you all demonize Dani and where the hell is my dragon!! 

Speaking of blood sugars - you ABSOLUTELY need to check your blood sugars via finger-sticks while wearing a CGM. Certainly not as much .... most of the time. 
My previous sensor required 8 calibration checks in one day before it started syncing - and that required massive amounts of self restraint because I wanted to rip out my sensor and start a new one... but I didn't and being things worked out.
My current sensor was within range on the first (and second) calibration. 
Depending on the day, how my numbers are running, physical activity, and how old my Omnipod site is - my amount of finger-sticks per day varies. 

Bottom line: My pancreas is stone cold busted - I need to make sure whatever robot diabetes part I'm wearing is reading correctly and that requires finger-stick checks~  

So that's all for now. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? 

Olivia Ann Kunik - I Will Love & Miss You Forever

My magnificent 19 yearold niece Olivia Kunik left the world on Tuesday, January 8th 2019 and my family is heartbroken.
Olivia was magic - incandescent, bright, funny, talented beyond belief and filled with love  - she was radiant and a ray of sunshine.

We lost her to suicide.

My fantastical niece struggled her whole life with treatment resistant depression and mental illness - and she was always transparent and incredibly candid about her struggles - though when you were around her - you rarely saw her sadness and struggles.

And our Livy helped so many friends, acquaintances and yes, even strangers seek help with their own depression and MH issues.

Depression and mental illnesses are diseases  - very real ones - that have the potential to take the ones we love from us.
Livy loved everyone - sadly, she didn't love herself enough and had difficulty seeing or believing in the magic she possessed.

I'm sharing because I don't want anyone else to suffer from a suicide tragedy.
 Our family is talking about our loss to save lives and to keep Livy's memory alive.
If you or someone you love is struggling, you are not alone and your life is worth living.
Please call 1-800-273-8255
Or text 741741 & someone will respond and reach out.
 Please take a moment to click on the link below and read about the magic that was our Livvy.
https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/boulder-co/olivia-kunik-8120159

Liv was also a diabetesaliciousness Rock Star back in 2008 - she stole many hearts in the Diabetes Online Community with her humor; candor, Love of all things Jonas Brothers - especially Nick, and wise-beyond-her-years demeanor and POV. Click on the link below and you'll see what I mean. .
https://diabetesaliciousness.blogspot.com/2008/08/kids-say-darndest-thingsand-damn-if.html?m=0

And in Liv’s memory, do something silly and fun.

Here are some recommendations directly from our Liv: “Perform a random act of kindness, share your favorite meme, make a prank phone call, sing your favorite song, spin until you are dizzy, make music with pots and pans, stomp on grapes in the bathtub, give names to your body parts (Liv’s pinky toe was Lois), cut your hair and regret it later, see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, get a pet rock, decorate it, name it Glenn, and take it for a walk.”

Flying out to Colorado tomorrow to celebrate Liv’s life with family, her friends, and an entire hometown that loved her heaps.
I love you so damn much Olivia – and I will love and miss you forever.
Every night I will look up at the stars, looking for your sparkle and listening for your laughter. 

I will talk with and to you every day and write you a long letter very soon - but right now I’m struggling to say goodbye to you my darling baby girl - and I’m struggling to understand why and cry every day.

I hope you found peace, Liv - I really do.
I'm not there yet and continue to seek peace and understanding as to all the reasons why you are no longer on this earth. 
 #LivForLiv #LivingForLiv

#TBT #dblogweek Day 4: The Diabetes Stuff That Brings Me Down

It's day four of Diabetes blog week.

Today's topic is a #TBT from the 2014 Diabetes Blog Week. It's all about emotions and diabetes - the diabetes stuff that brings us down - and what brings us back up.  

May is Mental Health Month - diabetes impacts our physical and mental well being. Depression and diabetes go hand in hand - talking about it is key -as is know that we aren't the only ones who struggle. 

Seeking help and support from friends and professionals can only help. 

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There's so much about diabetes that brings me down.

The fact that diabetes is 24 X&, 365 days a year with no time off for vacations or good behavior and causes me to experience diabetes burnout more often than I’d liked

The stress that diabetes puts on me (both physically and mentally,) has the ability to make me feel like Atlas - and sometimes I fear that the weight will cause me to topple. 

Add the stress that diabetes has put on my family, and my friends with and without diabetes, and it is easy to become the girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders

. 

The fact that the public, for the most part - never gets diabetes right, and the same can be said for diabetes and the media. 

Diabetes Media Muck-ups put all of us on the defense and has us perpetually correcting the population. 

Don't even get me started on blood sugar craziness!

Then, there’s the people I’ve loved and lost to diabetes - I miss them them terribly and when I think about diabetes cutting their lives short it makes cry and makes me relive the grief of losing them.

Losing friends to diabetes is fucking hard.

Losing my sister Debbie to diabetes was fucking excruciating. 

Seeing my parents hearts break because they lost their child to diabetes was devastating. 

It changed our lives and our family dynamic forever - and to this day, we are are still dealing with the ramifications of Debbie's death.  

Personally, there are moments when I wonder the type of person I would have been and the life I would have led had diabetes not taken Debbie from us. 

And on those days, when diabetes brings me down into the darkness - light peaks through the darkest of clouds, and I am reminded of the gifts that diabetes has brought me.  

Those gifts are you. 

Our community, the Diabetes Online Community, has given me so much support, friendship and love. 

My diabetes friendships that span the globe, enrich my world, and have given me a strong sense of self and determination. 

Diabetes has given me a voice and requires me to speak up for myself and for the people I love. 

Diabetes (and my mom,) taught me to pull myself up by bootstraps and pull myself out of the muck. 

Sometimes on my own, other times I can’t do it alone. 

And in those times when I am struggling to stand up in, and get of the muck the most,  the Diabetes Online Community lifts me up, dusts me off, and acts as my compass and travel companions on the road to better. 

And I am grateful for the gifts. 

****FTR, I know I missed day 3 of Diabetes Blog Week. 

I will make it up and post, but I didn't want to get behind on day 4, too! 

Post Election Funk, Fear, Pulling Myself Up By My BootStraps & Forging Ahead

Because the past few weeks has been hard on our whole nation - but I'm forging ahead with a vengeance. 

######

Post election funk is real and it's scary - it makes focusing hard- writing and blogging even harder. 

I’m scared about the future, my health insurance, the cost of being a person living with a chronic illness, and the ever growing division in our country. 

I know we’re not supposed to talk politics in the DOC - but I can’t explain why its been hard for me to be present in the DOC without mentioning our our presidential election. 

After the election many of us took a break from social media, television and the likes there of - including me - and as much as I hated to do it - I needed too. 

My heart and my head hurt and still do. I’m mad at how the election turned out for many reasons -as a woman, as a person with diabetes, living with a pre-existing condition, as an American who has always voted as an Independent and never straight down party lines, who has always done research on what and who I was voting for. 

I'm scared, angry, and frustrated that fake news is accepted as fact. 

I'm scared of the hate I see others express for those who are different  - and I want it to stop instead of it being encouraged. 

I'm angry that opposing parties demonize one another to the point it's now damaged and fractured our country. 

Instead of feeling empowered - the post election vibe made me feel powerless and scared - two words/feelings I despise. 

As a Diabetes Advocate I’ve learned to use my diabetes voice and become empowered in the process - and now I must take those same DA super powers and develop my voice as a citizen of the United States - and I am. I’ve always been one to reach out to my Reps in Congress and the Senate - and I’ve tripled my efforts now - and I strongly encourage you to do the same!

Financially and health wise, 2017 was the year I was going to sign up for the the Affordable Care Act - and I’m not so sure if I should now.

My current health insurance rates up again in March and my deductible is high. 

I’ve read that pre-existing conditions will be covered under in whatever the new administration replaces it with - but quite frankly, I won’t take their word for it. 

Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is behind us - I plan on taking the next week and researching ACA and will keep you posted on my findings. 

Speaking of the ACA, you/we can register our support for the ACA .

Paul Ryan's office is conducting a survey hoping to show a popular mandate to repeal the ACA - but the survey can also be used to register support for the ACA. 

It's automated and quick and here’s what you need to do:

1) Call (202) 225 -0600

2) Wait for awhile (1-2 min) for a recording to start 

3) You will get prompted by the survey
4) Press 2 to participate
5) Press 1 to register your support for the ACA

It only takes a couple minutes and it’s a sure way for our collective voices to be heard!

I’m also mad that the presidential election in the United States had such a negative and powerful impact on the International Diabetes Awareness month - and yet I totally understand it, because I experienced it and talked with others in the DOC who felt the same way. 

Another focus shifter occurred a few weeks ago (the day before election day,) when I scheduled surgery for my right wrist and pointer finger for December 13th. 

My right wrist and finger really hurt to the point of having to ice both daily. 

I’ve met my deductible for 2016 - now’s the time to get it done.

I’ve spent a lot of time (but not nearly enough,) prepping for the time I’ll be off and I wish it was over and done with. 

I spent the past week traveling to be with my family for Thanksgiving. 

For the first time ever, I drove solo and almost 700 miles each way, to spend time with my family - and it worked wonders for my heart and spirit. 

For the first time in what seemed like forever, I laughed until I cried... and I jammed with people who are just as "Kunikal -The_Musical" as I am!  

So as much as I want a “do-over” for the entire month of November - diabetes and politically speaking - I'm working my ass off to pull myself up by my bootstraps and forge ahead with a vengeance - it's really hard and some days are better than others. 

So thanks for your patience and understanding - it means the world to me. 

Speaking of thanks, for as little as $5 you can send a beautiful and straight from the heart thank-you to a loved one/loved ones who makes your life with diabetes easier - and you get to support the Diabetes Hands Foundation in the process! 

Click HERE to learn more.

Also, here's the thank-you that Mr. Mike Lawson sent me - it made my eyes leak in a really great way!  

Speaking of forging ahead, I have a new article up on Mango Health on Chronic Illness Burnout, so please give it a read by clicking, HERE.  

The topic is timely and it’s straight from my heart - and my beautifully busted pancreas~

In Need Of Lemons And A Much Needed Walk~

Some days are hard for reasons that have nothing to do with diabetes. 
###
I looked at the clock - it was 6:30 pm and I needed lemons because I’d been craving a tomato salad with olive and lemon dressing all day.  I was also in need of a walk because my head was about to explode. 

It was one of those days where every conceivable thing that could go wrong, did. 
Frustrations greeted me from every corner and location  - including my inbox. 
On top of it, I was sad because I'd been thinking and missing some people in my life that were no longer here - and I felt alone. 
I put on my asics nimbus gels; checked my blood sugar (it was 182,) dialed back my insulin pump to a temporary basal rate of 60%, grabbed a small recycled shopping bag that converted into a backpack and tossed some money and a kind bar in there. 
Then I clipped my iPhone to my left hip, and with my insulin pump clipped to my right hip, I put on my headphones and I walked.... and I walked. 
I walked towards the setting sun and away from the days problems and fears. 
I listened to music - an eclectic mix of upbeat songs - until Patty Griffin’s “Making Pies,” came into the rotation. I skipped that beautiful song entirely, because even though I love Patty Griffin & the song - it’s incredibly sad and I didn't want to hear it. 
I kept walking and a 1.5 miles later I started to feel better. 
And I kept walking.  
Finally, I made my way to the grocery store, bought my lemons, threw them in my bag, walked out of the store and you guessed it, I kept walking. 
At 8pm, I walked to and in my front door - and I felt like a different person.
My blood sugar was holding study at 122. 

But the walk wasn’t about getting a lower blood sugar, it was about walking to clear my head and to feel better - the 122  blood sugar was an added plus that made me smile ~

RIP: Robin Williams. #depressionlies

Some generations remember where they were WWII started and ended, when Kennedy got shot. 
For me, I remember where I was when I found out about The Challenger disaster, Princess Diana dying, JFK Jr's plane crashing,the Twin Towers falling and I will always remember where I was and what  I was doing when I first heard the news about Robin Williams. 
I'm writing about Robin's passing today, not because I knew him, I didn't.  
I never had the pleasure of meeting him, but I sure wish I had. Like many, I felt like I knew him a little bit, because I grew up watching him and laughing with him - And learning from him. 
I'm writing about Robin Williams today because he made me laugh and learn and cry  - And I can't stop thinking about what happened to him and the reasons why he left this earth.
#########

Words to live by.
Photo courtesy of robinwilliams.com

I didn’t want to believe what I thought I’d just heard the Newscaster say and I was hoping with all my heart that I was wrong. 

30 seconds into the closing of the CBS evening news and I was no long paying attention. Instead I was looking at my computer screen, not my television screen and reading my Facebook scroll, just because. 

And then I thought I’d heard the announcer utter something along the lines of: There are unconfirmed reports on the death of beloved comedian Robin Williams, we’ll have more on this story as it develops. 

And I yelled “NO,” outloud to my empty living room. 

NO, It couldn’t be true. Not Robin Williams. Please not him, not the man who always made me laugh and cry and who fostered my love rainbow suspenders as a gangly not so cool grade school girl. NO, NO, NO. 

 I immediately googled the info and found several headings under the topic re: an internet hoax -  And I breathed a sigh of relief, until I clicked on Googles Search Tools bar and clicked on ‘Web’, and the sub heading, ‘Past Hour.’ That’s when I saw the coroners office Press Release from Marin County and the headline on Variety.com stating that he’d passed away.

Tears started to fall on my laptop and then and as if on cue, The CBS Evening News interrupted the first 10 minutes of Entertainment Tonight to officially report his death. 

It was at the moment all the world’s hearts broke collectively and it was so effing palpable - You could feel the grief shock and awe across the bandwidth. 

Millions of broken hearts sent their love to his family via social media - and shared their feelings of loss with one another - And that's still going on as I type this post. 

I spent a lot of time last night reading Facebook and twitter posts that made me cry. 

I couldn’t sleep last night for variety of reasons and I wish yesterday had never happened. 

To me Robin Williams was the person who made it OK to be different. 

He made it OK to laugh at yourself and he continually reinforced the power of laughter and empathy throughout his career.  

And Robin Williams made it OK to wear rainbow suspenders. 

OK, maybe not the coolest fashion choice for today's tween, but as gangly 9 year old who was different both pancreatically and personality wise, Robin Williams made it absolutely acceptable for me to march to my own beat.

And his Rainbow suspenders became both the uniform and a badge of coolness for everyone, especially for those of us who were decidedly different.

And Robin Williams was the man that my parents (who had 43 & 49 years, respectively to my 9,) and I would watch together  - And he'd have us howling, together as family. That was BIG. 

He made our family laugh, especially during those times when we wanted to cry - And he made us laugh until we cried.   

From all accounts, Robin Williams was even more kind than he was funny. 

Think about that for a second - He was incredibly gifted when it came to comedy and drama for that matter, but his many acts of kindness were just as legendary and endearing.

This “character,” was an extraordinary and compassionate man who had a wonderful character.   

Robin Williams struggled with depression and addiction and was open regarding his struggles with both in interviews.   

For one brief moment on August 11th, depression won out and Robin Williams took his own life. 

I hate it - I hate that it happened - I hate that his depression won.

I hope he's found peace and I'm hoping and praying for his family and I will continue to do so for a very long time. 

And I hope (and I know my use of the word "hope" is redundant, but it's the only word that fits and I'm all for holding on to hope,) that his struggle will shine the spotlight and remove the stigma of this terrible disease called Depression. 

Depression isn’t a character flaw or a weakness. 

Depression is a very real disease and is both genetic and generational, much like diabetes and heart disease. 

Depression manifests itself both physically and mentally and it’s tendrils reach out and hurt every single person it touches.

As a Kunik, I understand what depression can do. 

I’ve dealt with depression and I’ve lost loved ones to depression.

Depression can pull you down so deep that you believe that you’ll never be able to get up.  Here's the thing: #Depressionlies. 

You will be able to get back up. 

But you will need up.

Asking for help is really hard and it's really fucking brave and wonderful and it’s OK. 

So go ahead and ask for help. 

If someone you love (or know in passing for that matter,) suffers from depression, is showing signs of depression, or has put up a wall between the world and themselves as of late, please reach out to them. 

And if you suffer from depression and are in place that’s not good, PLEASE reach out to  someone you love and trust, or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and ask for help. 

The world is such a better place with you in. 

I'm doing my best to be kinder today on many levels.

To check in on friends, to work and be patient and let things go that aren't important. 

Tonight I will be watching some Robin Williams movies that will remind me of all the wonderful lessons he taught all of us over the years - And I will do my best to take his words to heart and put them into action~ 

Dear Diabetes Guilt

Dear Diabetes Guilt:

You’ve been with me and by my side almost daily since my diagnosis.

I first experienced you when I looked into my parents’ eyes when I was dx'd and saw the sadness that was looking back at me. 
I was child number 6, diabetic child number 3.

My diagnoses hurt my parents so much. 
All I could say was “I’m sorry,” and then I did my best to make them laugh.

The guilt was next me as I snuck Christmas Cookies from the freezer and blamed the cookies disappearance on my sister- child number 3, diabetic child number 2.

Diabetes, your guilt made a 10 year old little girl run laps around the block to burn off contraband Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

You were beside me as I'd steal pastries from my friends kitchen and eat them in the bathroom so no one would see.

Diabetes guilt (and the look of disappointment and fear in my parents eyes) made me lie to them regarding my urine testing and blood sugar results.

It wasn’t the high numbers I was afraid of- it was making my parents sad, scared and angry that made my 11-year-old self fudge my numbers.

I'd cry when my Endo told me I wasn't trying hard enough. 
I was 13 and doing my best.

Wanting a few cookies every now and then shouldn't have equated a trip to confession and 13 "Hail Mary's".

In high school you mocked me to be part of the crowd - but I couldn't ignore diabetes.

Between the hell that was high school and being a PWD, it was a long 4 years.

In college I felt your guilt daily. 

I wanted too fit in and be “normal, ” and having diabetes was a foreign routine on campus.

I used my humor to win friends and they accepted both diabetes and me, as is.

I flourished with friends and success.

Your guilt didn’t just affect me-It damaged my family as a whole.

Diabetes guilt cursed my sister- She strived for normalcy – which eluded her because back in the diabetes dark ages, normal was never an option.

I felt diabetes guilt because my sister with diabetes was dying and I was angry with both her and the world.

I didn’t understand how sick she was or how much the guilt of diabetes drove her down a self-destructive path.

I just knew she was sick and that I spent so many of much of my high school and college years taking care of her with my parents.

I didn’t understand and am gutted and ashamed to admit now, but I blamed her for not taking better care of herself.

I was a kid, she was 15 years older than me, and I didn’t understand what a restrictive world she and her diabetes were brought up in until I was well into adulthood.

If my other sister (child number 1, diabetic number 1) could live a good life and have three healthy sons, why couldn't she?

I felt diabetes guilt for not always understanding, and for always being fearful that it could have been me.

I wanted to be a full time college student. 
Not a full time college student who was a PWD and a caretaker as well.

Even thought we fought as only siblings can, I never thought that diabetes complications would actually kill her.

I felt guilt for not having patience and for not always being kind.

My diabetes guilt stood beside me as I gave her eulogy.

I felt your guilt whenever people spoke of how much my sister suffered.

I felt your guilt whenever I got my own test results back.

I felt your guilt in my mid twenties when I was scared into becoming a good patient.

In my mid twenties and early thirties I worked hard on my diabetes management and had the numbers to prove it.

But still, your guilty presence made me want to apologize all the time- even when I was doing nothing wrong.

When I contemplated a cupcake, I felt guilty. Even when I tested, counted crabs, and bolused accordingly.

I apologized whenever my numbers would go up or down for no apparent reason.

I became defensive whenever a friend would ask: Kel, should you eat that?

I’d feel guilty that I don’t excise enough and I’d feel guilty when I exercised to much and would run low because I’d miscalculated my temporary basal rate.

Over the past 15 years I’ve learned to only concentrate on one number at a time.

I owe that attitude (in part) to you.

Because I became so tired of having you as a companion and a partner in my diabetes management.

So I’ve learned (and am still learning every day) to let go of you.

I accept that you exist and I will admit that you’ve done some good.

But I’m tired of having you as the anchor I wear around my neck.

So, I've removed you from my world on a daily basis - and while you still make your presence known from time to time, I no longer say I’m sorry for being a human with Diabetes.

I've lifted your anchor of guilt, hitched up my sails in the wind, and let my diabetes flag fly!

I have my good numbers and the not.

I have great labs, and some not so great, from time to time.

But I always try, and try again.

When I fall off the diabetes wagon, I get up and get back on.

Instead of anchoring on to the guilt, I use those numbers and results as a GPS in my diabetes management.

I take it one number at a time and I always do my best.

I own my diabetes, diabetes doesn't own me.

I’m still sorry that diabetes exists in the world.

But I am no longer sorry for being a person with Diabetes.