Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Go ahead, Flip Your Diabetes Bitch/Wit Switch!

Last night on "the twitter" I read a tweet from Lorraine from This Is Caleb that said, and I’m paraphrasing here because I can’t find the said tweet on her twitter feed :

@colcalli C’s CDE asked me if he’s had any highs since his last visit. W.T.?

So I tweeted back:

@diabetesalish @Colcalli Of course he's had highs, he’s a pwd! Ask her if she's had any bowel movements since C's last appt & tell us what she says.

@colcalli @diabetesalish lol!!!!!!! Love it! Love you! If only I could be that quick and witty.

Thanks Lorraine, but I’m not always that tricky/witty!

But, Lorraine's encounter got me thinking that all of us need to have some witty, diabetes Bitch Switch remarks to have on hand when we get hit with diabetes comments that bring us well past our "I'm going to educate this person" breaking point and makes us throw up our hands and say, w.t.f?

So, I came up with a few not so typical responses that you can use next time you've reached your breaking point regarding you or your child’s diabetes .

Comment: You have diabetes? Is it the... bad kind?
Your response: No, it’s the kind that allows you to fart glitter and shit gold ingots! What kind are you talking about?

Comment: You’re too young to have diabetes
Your reply: You’re too old to be that dim-witted.

Question: How come you didn’t grow out of your diabetes?
You respond: How come you didn’t grow out of your stupidity?

Comment: Man, I could never be forced to watch what I eat!
Your response: Yes, from the looks of things, that’s quite obvious.

Comment: Your mother must have fed you a lot of sugar as a child - that's why you have diabetes.
Your response: Your mother must have let you sniff a lot of glue as child, that's why you're an idiot~

Comment: Oh, and about your insulin pump – no worries, no one will even notice, it looks like beeper.
Your response: OK, refresh my memory, because I might have been having some blood sugar issues at the time, but seriously, I don’t remember hopping in a Time machine and magically transporting us back to 1992.

Question: You have diabetes?? COOL – Do you know Nick Jonas?
Your response: Yes, and we’re very good friends – we’re actually meeting at Starbucks in 10 minutes. Want to come with?

Comment: Diabetes – I couldn’t handle not eating sugar!
Your response: Me either – Wanna go snort some?

Question: Does your pump run on batteries.
Your Response: No it’s strictly solar powered.

Question: So, does your insulin pump automatically tests your blood sugars and & give you the right amount of insulin? That’s so cool!

Your response: Unfortunately, no. But it does have GPS & foursquare capabilities, a tracking device, receives texts and reads my biorhythms. So…You know, it’s got A LOT going for it~

If you have any diabetes Bitch Switch scenarios/comments, please feel free to share it!


Cara said...

Question: Can you eat that?
Answer: I CAN eat whatever... I also MAY eat whatever. Except shellfish. I think I'm allergic.

Question: Is that a beeper?
Answer: Yeah. In case my pimp needs to reach me.

Question: I could never give myself a shot.
Answer: You could die.

Question: Do you take good care of yourself?
Answer: Do you? Cause you look like you could use a check up and physical.

Laura said...

Comment: You know, you could cure yourself if you just ate/didn't eat (insert miracle cure food here).

Answer: Too bad there's no cure for your stupidity.

Meri said...

Oh my heck Kelly, you had me rolling on the floor. I almost choked when I read that tweet from Lorainne. Really? Really? Any highs? Brilliant comeback btw: I'm keeping that one in my arsenal.

Love ya!

Robin said...

OMG - I LOVE it! Keep the great remarks coming - I need them. And hope I can pull them all out of my you know what the next time I get one of those comments. :)

Lili said...

Actually, I think it could be a standard question. My endo's nurses always have to ask me the same thing when I go in - if I've had any highs or lows since my last appointment. I always say, "yep, still diabetic."

Alexis Nicole said...

haha! I love this! U rock!!

Nicole said...

I wish my printer was working so I could print these off and but it in my purse to have on hand when I run into one of these situations. I just go plank with anger!! :)

Great JOB and soooo funny!

Anonymous said...

QUESTION: "Ewwww, why do you have to test your blood out in the open like that?"

ANSWER: "No, you're right. People shouldn't be exposed to things that disgusting. We better put a bag over your head, while we're at it."

The Chocolate Cheerio said...

These are great! I'm definitely pocketing a few of these for future use...

Scott Strange said...

Comment: Well, if you'd just do this diet...

Answer: You know? I heard that diet will cure stupidity too! You had better get started. Soon.


Question: How are you doing?

Answer: Why do people keep asking questions they really don't want the answer to?


Comment: Oh, I could NEVER give my child a shot!

Answer: Oh, I guess it would be better for them to die.


Comment: I heard you say you were 'high' and now it looks like you're getting ready to shoot up. Damn drug addict, I'm calling the police.

Answer: Good. You're obviously neither sane nor intelligent enough to be allowed out on your own.


Comment: I wish I was diabetic so I could take a snack break whenever I wasnted!

Answer: I wish you were too. That way you'd know what an idiotic statement that was. Actually, no... you're too dumb to handle diabetes

Lora said...

OMG!! "it’s the kind that allows you to fart glitter and shit gold ingots"... thats the best!!

carol said...

Love all of them, but the glitter and ingots one is hilarious! Yep...I respond best to bathroom humor :).

Sarah said...

Comment: Well, I guess it's better that he's been diagnosed at such a young age that way he'll never know the difference.
Response: Yeah, you're right he'll never notice that his other family members don't poke themselves about 15 times day, have an infusion set attached to them and a little transmitter, too. He'll never see that his friends eat whatever they want whenever they want without having to count the carbs and accurately dose the insulin. And he'll come to love those 2-3 month endo appointments that last for hours...all since he was diagnosed at 19 months, boy I am so thankful for that..now if only they could diagnose stupidity as early we'd have had a much shorter conversation.

Question: Doesn't your husband have diabetes, too?
Answer: I hear what you're implying and yes my children are amazingly handsome like my husband, too aren't we blessed!

Lorraine of "This is Caleb..." said...

You paraphrased well. That was just about it. :)

I smiled through the whole post - I could never picture myself ever saying any of these things, but the thought of it makes me giggle!

Scully said...

Classic Kellyness. thanks a bunch but my favourite by far was the last one. I am always at a loss to what to say to everybody when they ask if my pump checks my blood sugar and adjusts insulin for me. I get that question more than anything else. Now I have something to say. thanks.

Ronnie the poor diabetic said...

O my God Kelly this is the funniest stuff I ever heard pure gold ingots....

Question: You have diabetes? Really? but you are not fat at all.

Answer: Does that mean you have diabetes too.

Penny said...

I LOVE the Bitch Switch!!! It is fabulous, just like you Kelly! The gold ingots - well, I gotta use that sometime!!

Renata said...

K2 we need these in a document so we can print it off and keep in our hand bags or wallets. (excuse me while i whip this out. I need to decide which witty comment to beat your ass with)

The battery comment for the pump had me rolling. Fricken awesome.

Heidi / D-Tales said...

Funny stuff! Thanks for the laugh. If only I had the nerve to snap back like that! :)

Today's Triumph said...

I might have to write a few of those down ; )

Mike Durbin said...

When life's got you down, or someone's being a twit, whip out the thinkin cap, & kick some ass with wit!

Type1RockStar said...

this was so good! i usually get the "omg i'd rather die then poke myself/inject myself" and i say then i guess you would be dead, or i'll say well i kinda want to live so... i do it. And i get asked if my pump somehow is inside of me even after showing them the pod.... i just tell them it's my leech. OH yes alot of people ask me why my diabetic tattoo has a cupcake in it because "you can't eat that stuff" and i say this would you really deny me cupcakes seriously?

Scott S said...

I want to add these to the BDI's Diabetes Etiquette Cards -- seriously!!

Joanne said...

Love these... I've been feeling a wee bit bitchy lately, so I might try a few of these out. One that I use all the time (although it's not really bitchy, but it still makes me laugh)

Comment: She's diabetic? So what can she eat?
Answer: There's only 2 things she cannot eat; poison, and cookies... made with poison.

Anonymous said...

I am on the damn floor laughing right now! DO MORE! DO MORE! I had the assistant at the dentist office this week ask me (after the comment that my daughter has Type 1) "soooo you have to mostly worry about the high blood sugar causing her to go into a coma and then killing her right?" ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? Who the hell says that to a mother??? A mother of anyone with anything?! HA! Ok, more responses...

Leslie said...

My endo just asked me why my son's basal rates are so high at night. I said, "You really wanna know why his basals are so high?" Endo says, "Yes." I reply, "Cause he has diabetes."

That's my answer all the time now. Gimme a break!


Bernard Farrell said...

Kelly, thanks for lots of laughs.

How about:

Question: I could never do that, I'm scared of needles.

Answer: Well I tried snorting the stuff but it really did a number on my nose.

Unknown said...

Kelly - The snow is coming down faster and faster and I can only think of the shoveling I'm facing tomorrow - that is until I read this comment. Thanks so much for the belly laughs! Need to remember some of these. My favorite: Can't you die from Diabetes? Answer - I guess so. But you die from stupidity too so I guess we're in the same boat.

Anonymous said...

I love the question - "does it hurt when you insert your pump needle/shot", Really?

Frog's Mom said...

"So, you're probably used to takin' shots and stuff, right? You probably don't even feel it anymore?

No more than you're gonna feel my foot up your a** for asking that."

Anonymous said...

I always get the "you don't look diabetic" I always reply "unfortunately you look like a doctor"

Jillian said...

Comment: Nice pager. **Snort/Laugh**
Retort: What? I'm a doctor. I specialize in endocrinology.
Comment: Oh..uh sorry.
Then we went to date for about two months before he figured it out. That one ended on the fact that clearly he is a moron.

Beeing Sophie said...

Comment: Man, I could never be forced to watch what I eat!

Your response: Yes, from the looks of things, that’s quite obvious.

I have to use that one at some point! And someone did actually ask me the nick jonas one once! The most annoying for me is: (person staring at me whilst I'm doing BG test and winces obviously) "Ow! Doesn't that hurt?" And another "do you ever feel uncomfortable having to test?" - well i do when your staring at me!

These made my day :) so glad I found them.

Unknown said...

this post made my day! I hate that I missed it when it was posted, but I sat here at work reading and literally laughing out loud. As a mother, sister, and niece of PWDs, I think we have heard most of these idiotic questions and comments at some point in time, and I love these quirky comebacks! Thanks for sharing.

Ian Magary said...

Kelly, gasp... LOL! Gasp... Hahahaha! THAT was awesome girl!

Nicté said...

God, I really needed this after looking at my T1 Footprint.

As always, thank you so much, you rock!